Fast Times

Well the end of the year is rapidly approaching and I have taken up learning a foreign language again. The worse part about it is that I still can barely speak it, but I understand it very well. Writing it? Oh heavens no. Truely I hate that. What is the point of knowing something that I can barely use. I have a friend that can help out but good luck on that one. As all my friends go, helping me with something that is majorly important to me is like handing superman kryptonite. The only friends that I have that even attempt to help usually can't help in the area I need. Vicious circle isn't it? So anyway, Christmas has come and gone, and as uneventful as ever. New Year's Eve should be better, but then again how can it be worse. Truthfully I am missing my friends and wish that I was closer. Especially this time of year. It makes you remember how important these people are in your life. You think of all the fun times you had going muddin (yes, I know I am a texan now), dancing, skating... Friends are the people who shape you and help you when times are bad. They are the sting that makes our knitting complete. I want all my friends out there that you are the most special people in the world to me. You know how you are, but you are the extended family that I am happy to know. I love you guys. Talk to you all soon.

Happy Birthday Baby

Well today is my older son's birthday. It is also Stone's birthday too. Because my crazy asshole ex-husband, I won't even get to see my son. Stone on the other has has gotten in a bit of trouble. So I won't be seeing either today. I woke up this morning with a headache. It feels like what they call a hangover. My head is swimming in pain. Since I have never had a hangover, I am only guessing. The pain is slowly subsiding. I slept 12 hours straight. I am incredibly sad today. I got a letter from my friend back home today, and it amazes me how similar our life is. The are very few differences. We married the same type of guy, we fell for the same type of guy, we even have found "other" and he is the same type of guy. We have had the same problems over the years. We enjoy a lot the same things. And I find it funny that even though, yes we were a bit alike in high school (enough to be friends), that now we so like we are almost twins. We have lived parallel lives and we haven't spoke in 13 years. I see a book here! :) We will see. Otherwise today has started in the dumps. I may actually go out tonight though. I could use a little music and fun. Stone would want me to celebrate his birthday. I sometime wonder if it would have better if he had died also in that accident. The grief of not knowing anything of how he is sometimes overwhelming. If he had just died, I could take flowers to his grave today, light candle and pray for him. This is worse than that. I was going to delete this whole section, in case he ever read it, but I won't. This is how it feels. This what pain a person will go through when their closest bestfriend is in trouble and won't let them help. Sure if I were a man I would probably be in the gym and punching some bags or running. But I am a woman and I deal with my feelings, and these are tearing me apart. Coupled with what my ex has done, and I am an emotional wreck. The funny thing is that only here would you see that. Only here does anyone see what is going on inside. In the real world I am a strong, carefree woman with a smile on my face. In my cave (here) I show my pent up emotions and true feels about everything. Here I can say Stone is a piece of crap that can't deal with the fact that he has exactly what he wants, but is to afraid to grab the brass ring. The reason he pushs away is the fact that somewhere deep inside he is scared of hurt and rejection. That somehow I will change if we got more serious. That somehow I will turn into that bitch was engaged to. That he will find me in bed with someone else. That won't happen, unless it was a hot chick and she was there for us both. We have wild fantasies, sorry to offend but not really. It is for him to get the fact that I am not like other women he has met. Sure he says that, and that I could never be like them. Yet inside he so scared that I will be. OMG just admit it. There is a reason why you are so scared of me. It's because I am already inside you. You built the Burlin Wall around your heart and I made it past. I will never ask for him to come back. I had found what I am looking for. If I never have it I won't die of a broken heart. I will miss him, but I know life goes on.

It's Me Again Margert

So I have been touring the karaoke rooms, and I have learned something. No point in being original, because I get copied. If they know the name of the song they start singing it. The second thing I have learned is that my voice appeals to people all over the world. I also received an e-mail from my ex about "bringing his parents into it." Babe you brought them into our bedroom, so I brought it out that children are a road map of their parents. If aren't that good, it is because of what they taught you. I think I will finally take my friend's advise and record myself. That would be nice. Then I can say besides being ordained, have a doctorate in divinity, being a published poet, that I am a recorded artist. LOL!!!

The real good news is that I found a friend of from high school. It has taken me over 10 years to do it, but it is great to finally hear from her.

Oh Brother

I received a reply from my ex-, about my last blog, talking about how proud he was at my "spiritual growth." Gee wiz mister man, I guess I am getting to be more of what you want, let's forget that we are divorced. NEWS FLASH ASSHOLE, I have never changed! The problem with my ex- is that after he got to know me well enough know he wanted to marry me, then he stopped listening to anything I said. My opinions did not matter so I stopped giving them. Example, I bought curtins for the kitchen. He never walked in the kitchen except to raid the fridge. Yet when he FINALLY noticed the curtains he complained that I made a decision without getting approval and that even though he liked the curtains he wanted them down. My opinion is and has also been not to "cast pearls before swine." He always had the belief that because I was a woman that I have no wisdom, knowledge, intelligence, or anything important to say. I blame this on his parenting. The doting mother that was treated less than human by their father. From what I gather even from the father before they met she was a vibrant beautiful smart woman with many opinions. His abuse and refusal to see her as his partner, along with breaking her will, has made her into little more than a lump of baby-making flesh. I have seen that look in her eyes, the look of a wild stallion that broke so hard that it's eye are empty where fire once blazed. I have seen the way her own children belittle her importance, as if the little shits would have been born without her. The role of woman is just as important as a man. He created one for the other. To be a help-mate. To be the "other-half." HE gave her a brain to think...a heart to give compassion and love...arms to carry...hands to hold...to right organs to bring forth and sustain life...legs to walk beside or on her own...two feet to stand on... Woman is God's greatest gift to man, yet he treats it like trash. To be used, abuse, spent, wasted and thrown away. To the few that actually see how fragile and precious woman really is, I applaud you. Just because we woman are a gift doesn't mean that you can use it as you wish..we are not a inanimate gift, we are living beings. Amazing enough we can think. Amazing enough before we meet men we thought, looked after, maintained, and myriad of other thing BY OURSELVES!!! We developed whole personalities. OMG!!! I know what you are thinking, that is unbelievable! It is true! So maybe, just maybe all this "growth" that you see is just the first time you stopped to see that I have a mind, thoughts, ideas, hopes, wishes, and desires that you never bothered to ask about or considered. That before I knew you I had taken care of myself, and grown up into who I was. Just because I am seven years younger doesn't mean I was seven years old when we were together. What you don't know about me would fill the great library of Alexandra, and like the morons that burned that great city you will never get to learn from me in a way that might have changed you also. I stopped telling you about me when you stopped listening. So if this is a giant revelation to you, then that only shows how much you never knew me. I have not changed. My faith has never changed. My beliefs have never changed. The only thing that has changed is the fact that you were forced to listen for once. So your "pride" for me means nothing. Save it for when your shrink tells you that you have made progress with your abuse issues. I don't need or want your acceptance. I accept, like and love myself.

Missing You Stone

It has been almost a year since the last time you held me. A year since our last kiss. I will always love you and adore you. I will always wait for the word from you. I keep the necklace, a silver eastern orthodox cross with the Russian inscription ("Save and Protect"), in remembrance. I know that this love is vain. But it seems to be lot in life to be lovelorn. I accept the fact that in my heart I love you the way your mother loved her first husband. I accept the fact that you could not love anyone beyond yourself. Yet my heart waits for you, and my head is moving on. One word, and my engagement would have been off. One word and I would follow you to the ends of the earth and back again. But I know that that word will never come. So I will tell you what I was going to give you for your wedding present. The gift to the groom from the bride. For I know that you will never marry me, although we both know that I am the one that has ever accepted you for EXACTLY who you. My gift to you was going to be a two partner. Part one, for go the big wedding and elope...if nothing more to piss off your parents, like we had spoke of before... Part two, two words Bunny Ranch. Remember when we jokingly said yeah run off to Nevada...and stop at the bunny ranch for fun. I was going to treat you on our wedding night to the bunny ranch. I know with you fidelity no longer means anything, so I would never ask it of you. If you ever choose to give it to me, it would be a warm loving gift that I would not refuse. Yet I would stay faithful to you. For no man can have my heart, but you. And no man has ever captured my desires like you. You are best friend, my lover, and I could never ask for more. You accept me, I accept you. I want what you want. I am not clouded by my love, but am truly madly deeply in love. I am in so deep that it does not phase me. All you ever have had to do is say something. Say you want me. That you want me with you. Not just you want me around so you can have someone to hang with, get drunk with, have orgies with. Just say ONCE, and I would never ask again, that you want me to be with you. ONCE! Just say, that you and me. I mean I can see a lifetime of fun, sex, everything. I would never ask much of you, for I know your capabilities, I know I never need to ask. I mean you accept that fact that though I was abused and raped that I enjoyed sex with you. I never enjoyed sex so much as when I was with you. Then again I never really enjoyed sex. I never felt anything during sex. The idea of a mind-blowing orgasm has never moved me. But loving you makes me feel like I am drowning. From the first time you hugged me and I breathed you in to the last goodbye. You saturate me in passion that is better than any drink. It was more than just pleasing you and moving on. It honestly felt like you drank in the ecstasy of me also. That is why I like being with you. Funny I could never say this to your face, or in any other way. Somehow I feel deep inside you feel something to. From the way your eyes twinkle when I say Hi, to how sad you look when you would leave. It just feels right, to be together. It is weird. It's like we have always been together. I do believe in soul mates, I just never though before that you would be one. You are a surprise and breath of fresh air. And you are acting a fool to give exactly what you always wanted up. I am a fool to not take my heart away. Maybe you should just tell me. Am I a fool? You promised me honesty. So far you have been honest. Except for one thing... when we first started talking you wrote me a poem in a letter about love and accepting or denying it with grace... you have never denied it. You have said that you didn't want to hurt me by falling and out of love with me, which I said first, that I didn't want to hurt you... Actually my exact words were "each other"...I felt we wouldn't want to hurt each other by one of us falling out of love and being to afraid to tell the other, and start lying & cheating behind the other's back and eventually be caught, and crush the other. I was scraed. I was scared because was I knew I loved you and thought that you would leave me. I know that you are scared to love again and have some bitch do what your last fiancee did. But I heard this riddle and I think it applies...A man searchs the world to find what he needs, and returns home to find it. I am home. I am the home you like to come to. I am the home you found peace and accpetance in. That scares you more than anything. But I wait. I am not going to marry him. As much as I know he would love me forever and try to make me happy. I cannot give him what he wants... for you have it. And maybe I should have told you this before. And may be too late. You may have fucked yourself to good. But if will have me, I would come to you if you were 10 miles away or 10, 000 miles away. Don't urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Where you go I will go and where you stay I will stay. Your home would be my home. Your people would be my people. Where you die I will die and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me. For I would till you bid me to go. My heart will always be with you, until YOU tell me not to love you. Till YOU tell me to stop waiting. For once stop leaving me in the air. Just tell me the truth. Like your poem says, take my love and graciously give it back...if you don't want my heart, then give it back so I can give it to someone else that wants it. I cannot marry him unless you give it back. And I won't marry him unless you bid me to, and give your blessing. And if the thought of me with someone else pisses you off, if the thought of forever without me brings such emotions in you, then it is time to stop talking and just go with it. Damn it, if those thoughts provoke you like I have seen them, then walk up and kiss me and never let me go. Otherwise, I beg you... if I mean nothing to you, please let my heart go. Please give it back. I don't beg, but I do plead most ernestly... love me or let me go. Please. Good night sweet prince. Ponder these words, and forget the past. Be fair and honest, and dream on these things. Let your heart answer for your head, and forget you wits and sensiblities and mind your heart. Do not let the golden apple pass you by because you feel you deserve a bitter plum. Good night sweet prince. Leave your cunning and fears behind, and sleep with me in our bed of laurels, and let me dote on you. Let me give you your desires. Good night sweet love, and think not on what has been but what can be. And know my heart is true, my mind is clear, my eyes are open, and my body willing. Good night.

Slacker

Ok so I have been a total slacker lately. Not that I try but what can you do? If I lived alone or had total free time then yes I could write a storm. Yet this is not the case. Well recently Stone has been on my mind. I haven't seen him in almost a year and it is reaching out 6 months incommunicado. Well I know he got himself into a spot of trouble, and he has this weird notion that he is protecting me by keeping me out of it, but I do miss him. I know how ridiculous I sound right now to say that. Yet you have to know how he thinks. He is a war survivor, and trusts nothing. He really believes keeping me out of his troubles, even the minor ones are a major protection. In this way he is also saying "I love you." Whether it is a friendship love or one of the other 6 forms, he is doing what he feels it best. Most of the time I say it is bullshit and he is trying to say in a nice way to bugger off, but whenever I write him off...here he comes again. I don't like to pursue all the time, so I gave it up with him. Anyway I have caught him, and I am not sure what kind of prize I got. Let's face it, he is perfect for me but he is FAR from perfect. If I didn't know how smashing we are together I would have had him shove off 2 years ago. We work, that is all you can say about it. He is convenient, we compliment, and we what the same things in life and will fight to get them...together even. The hardest part about being with someone these days is even if you find the right person that wants all the same things that you want is that rarely do you work together to achieve the goal. I wish I could pass this on to him. But the stubborn bastard wouldn't listen even if he heard. He always has to learn the hardest way possible. Gosh listen to me, I am lovelorn. You know if I didn't knew that I am a perfectly wonderful person, worthy of love, and anyone that doesn't accept love from me is a fool, then I would wonder why. I would wonder what is wrong with me. If I didn't know he is the fuck-up, then... Well knowing don't change how it makes you feel. I cannot give my heart to anyone else and I cannot give it to who it wants to go to. What is a girl supposed to do. Stone would have many meaningless affairs with as many people as possible until you get the chance. Of course he is completely jeaslous of any competition. Yet he wants me to see others while I want for him? There is some B.S. That is what he does, yet when offered exactly what he wants then he runs the other way like a scared rabbit. Maybe I should be a complete bitch and try to lead himlike a dog. But that ould change him and I like the person he really is. Give him a free hand though and he walks all-over your heart. I wish there was a way to teach him a lesson and retain him and his heart afterward. I must say though that he has been a challenge. Believe it or not he only male (or female) that if I went after them, then they were mine heart, body, and soul. I owed every fiber in their being and their heart could not escape me. I was always on their mind even if they didn't want it. I captured them like fly in a web. Even if it is not what I wanted. So here is the man that makes me feel that way, and he is unattainable (or makes himself that way). I am just so tired of playing games. Yet I feel if I wait, if I can just hold out a little longer, then I will have what I want. Which is hard when you heart has no patience. I hope you enjoyed my little rant. Hope all of you enjoy you holidays and days off. Party down. Later.

Howdy Strangers

Sorry I have not written for a while but I have been sick. I was reading my ex's blog, I do that from time to time just to keep up with some people we both know and the expected comments he like to post only to his site now that I bust him as much as possible when he posts on mine. First off, about sexuality, I do not promote or condon "immorality" of what other people do in their bedroom (or other places). What other people do is between them and their maker (whomever they believe that to be). I am saying that it should be equal. If a girl is a whore, than a man is a whore-monger for sleep with the same amount of people. If it is ok for guys to sleep around then nothing should be said about a woman. It is the sheer inequality that drives such a wedge between sex relations. As for immorality, I will not make specific beliefs made. I feel that you cannot push your way of thinking on anyone unless you wish to close their mind. However this does not mean that I do not have strong feelings about those issues. Yet shouting at the wind does not help either. If someone wants to talk with me personally about my feelings on these subjects I have no problem with discussing them openly, but I will not force my ideas down your throat. The main reason I feel that most religions and other organizations fail is because you can preach your ideas all say, but if you tell one person that does not believe they are wrong or doing wrong then you have lost them. I believe that if you reason with people, keep it calm, and try to explain why you feel the way you do that it reaches more. If you can show in a non-threatening way that makes sense then you can perhaps bring that person around. It is not a matter of how much you can force-feed someone, but if you can get them to say "Hey, that's sounds right." The best person you could ever use as an example of what I am saying is Jesus. He went around and told those who would listen. He talked with people. He did wash into town and scream at the top of his lungs that if they didn't believe in him that they were going to "hell." He listened and explained, talked and look at how the message spread. Now I will not go into how that message was corrupted and used as a way to exclude or kill, but look at Jesus. Strong and firm in his belief, but never forcing. Now there was a man. The perfect example of how we all should be. Now I already know I am going to get complaints about calling Jesus a "man." Yet the form he took, whether you believe he was God or "the son of GOD" or a good (just a) man. Once again I am not going to go into what I personally believe. If you wish to discuss anything, I am more than willing to in a public chat room.

As for my "lack" of morality. Morality is fueled by religious beliefs. You can say that I am immoral by writing from an "outsider" point-of-view. I choose write this way, and keep my true opinions to myself. I simply wish to give you some information. I put out there observations that I see and give opinions that I get from other people that I find online. Call me names, but you are nothing but water on a ducks back. I will not stop writing. I will keep throwing out some contraversal ideas that we are exposed to. If you don't like it then you may excersice your given right to STOP READING. Also do not try to push me to your way of thinking. You can say what you want, but don't bother trying to make me something I am not. What I am is someone that wants to challenge you. I want to make you think. I want you to see there is more to the world that the black and white lies that we were told and no not everything we do and say and how we treat others is right. If you are a Christian I respect your beliefs (whatever denominations you may be). If you pagan I respect you also. If you are agnostic I respect you. Because I am not your judge, you do not answer to me. As I do not answer to you. Who I answer to is what I believe to be a higher power. Higher than man, any man. So you do what you want, I will do as I want. And when the day of recogning comes I will stand beside what I have done as you will and take responsiblity for what I have done and hope that all that I personally believe is right. God help us is we are all wrong. Well this is dragging on and this isn't even what I wanted to talk about today. I hope that that helps some of my critics. Actually I think it will fuel their fires worse, but hey I don't care.



Christ 12 years old at the Temple

Small Town Saturday Night

Ok, this may not exactly be a "small" town but hey we don't have too much either. So what am I up to. Well I am heading out to the club. I realized that I wanted to go out to dance tonight. Knock back a couple tequila drinks and let loose a bit. Ready shake my fat ass tonight! Now I came to a realization tonight. I want who I want, and I am tired of settling for what other people want. So I decided that I will not marrying until I get who and what I want for me first! I am not like this but I thought about how tired of my life has been. Sine I was 17 everyone else has been telling what I want, so fuck it. I am going to live my own life. I will update when I get home.

Oh Boy

Marriage from the past

So I ran into another old friend on line and can guess what is comming...Hey V. I got married. So it is about totally offical that everyone I know is married. So the tables have turned... It used to be I was married and everyone I knew was single. I guess it is funny and strange at the same time. Truthfully I could be married right now. But as I was telling my friend today, I only want to marry a guy that I am totally sure that is right for me and I am totally right for him. Until that time I cannot do it again. I won't make that same mistake just because I was lonely or someone thinks it is right for me. I think the picture in a way shows what I would like. Handfastenings are a probably one of the most interesting wedding rituals ever invented. Now take in mind that they were done for hundreds of years before & after Christianity came to places like modern day Great Britian. Ok so here are the basics. You meet someone and you want to get married, but you are unsure...so you go down to your local whatever and have a handfastening. It is like a marriage ceremony, and for intents and purposes you are married and are to act like it for a year (or another agreed upon time... in years) and after that year (or so) you go back to the priest or whatever and have another ceremony and are forever married or if it totally sucked than you just part ways and like you are not married anymore and you were not considered divorced so you could marry again in the church. OMG that is awesome. We have that today it's called marriage & annualment or the oh so famous hollywood marriages. Think how much the divorce rate would plummet if we made handfastenings legal. After a year or three you can say I can't stand this asshole/bitch fuck it let's not make it offically forever. It would make people who are sincere about marrying bonds stronger. For all those that found out it wasn't for them, then no harm no foul...it just didn't work out.

So besides all that, I have been thinking also. I have wore many rings but there is only one that I really want... The one from him (aka "you"..aka Stone the hard-hearted). Well Stone you will never get it will you? I was serious. I thought you were too. You gave all the signals to everyone but never said too many words. I guess I will never understand the way things are. All I know is that I love you Stone. In a strange way the things you have done says that you love me too. Although you say that it is to protect me, I don't want it. I would rather spend a hour in the sun with you and be alive, then hidden in shadows and silently with you forever. I wish you could understand that.

Well kiddies, I should go. Nothing else seems right to say.

Yes I am still here

SO as you can tell I made it through the night. Amazing what a little tequila can do for a headache. So I made some decision that I know will piss off more than one person. I have decided single is the way to be. I am going to wait. It is going to take a lot to replace the one great love in my life and until I can find what I found in one person again, I think I will be staying by myself. It wouldn't be fair to anyone else in my life if I didn't. I am not foolish enough to think that he will be coming back to me. He walked out a second time, and that is enough for me. I will always want him back, but that is more than I can hope for ever again. If you are reading this and YOU know who YOU are. I still think about that weekend I came up and we almost got that Applebee's waitress back to the hotel, that was fun. How come we never did try that again? I never met anyone that was so fun to be with and accepted me for me. I can accept people for themselves, but try to find one that accepts me? That is amazing. What I loved best about us was as much as we loved each other and yet were so not attached. I mean I loved the sex, but I could do with out or you as long as needed. It was special to me and yet not a biggie. Wow I miss BS'ing with you. Talking about sluts. Having fun. Drinking, dancing, everything in between. You totally messed me up. You gave me my dream. A lover and a friend. You fucking twink. I hate you and love you. Hope I can replace you with someone even better. Well I am tired of talking. You all enjoy your day. Later. Alsu to follow, the new song for today.

"Old Souls" from Phantom of the Paradise (to Stone... I still love you)

Our love is an old love
It's older than all our years
I have seen in strange young eyes
Familiar tears

We're old souls in a new life baby
They gave us a new life
To live and learn
Some time to touch old friends
And still return

Our paths have crossed and parted
This love affair was started
Long, long ago
This love survives the ages
In its story lives are pages
Fill them up, may ours tum slow

Our love is a strong love, baby
We give it all
And still receive
And so with empty arms
We must still believe

All souls last forever
So we need never fear goodbye
A kiss when I must go
No tears, in time, we kiss hello

Phantom's Theme (Beauty and the Beast)

Half asleep I hear a voice
Is it only in my mind
Or is it someone calling me someone I failed and left behind

To work it out I let them in
All the good guys and the bad guys that I've been
All the devils that disturbed me and the angels that defeated them somehow
Come together in me now

Face to face I greet the cast
Set in silence we begin
Companions in an empty room I taste their victory and sin

To work it out I let them in
All the good guys and the bad guys that I've been
All the devils that disturbed me and the angels that defeated them somehow
Come together in me now

A tale of beauty and the beast
I defend my soul from those who would accuse me
I share the famine and the feast
I have been the world and felt it turning seen the jester yearning to amuse me

Like a circus on parade
Seldom close enough to see
I wander through an angry crowd and wonder what became of me

To work it out I let them in
All the good guys and the bad guys that I've been
All the devils that disturbed me and the angels that defeated them somehow
Come together in me now

SSDD

So here I am alone. I am so sick of this life I live. I am so tired of fighting. I have this stupid song in my head. It's called "phantom's Theme" from Phantom of the Paradise. It pulls at my heart. I have all this pain inside. I hate all this. I can't take it. I trying to make people happy, and all I get is shit. The truely said thing is that I can't even cry anymore. My tears well up and do not fall. I get these headaches from it. The stress is horrible. And I can feel my heart being ripped out. but it's not the pain of one time, but the collection of everytime it has ever happened in an endless loop. It's like I can feel everyone that is hurt and has ever been hurt. All of it baring down on me. If I thought sucide was an answer I would do it. I have lost the passion inside. The flame is died and I am so empty. And I know there is only one place, one person in this world that I have ever found peace in. And there is no way I can ever be with him. No happiness that exudes from being in his presence. And I know that this feel will never end.

I am such a moron

I think I let the most wonderful guy slip through my fingures. He is sweet and romantic, and I just know that we would get along great. But as always fate has kicked me in the ass. He lives like 4 hours away, and my car is broke. He can't make it here. He wants me to go with him to a festival that I can't make, and he really sounds great. This is crap. And I know why I am getting all emotional about this. Damn it NIVEL! Why do you still pop into mind? You made your decision. Why can't you just dissapear like you like to do. Why do I have to suffer for your stubborness? If you had been upfront, totally, with me... Oh well, "if's" again. Screw it. Damn it when well I stop loving you? I hate the fact that we are so alike and are so happy when we are together. We are supportive of each other and genuinely care. But you are so scared. Well you know I think you are full of shit. Just admit it to yourself just once, you love me too. That is why you get so jealous. That is why you want me to yourself, and don't want me to date others. That is why you wanted to kick Brin's ass when you heard he hit me. It is more than I am your friend. You love me. Everyone but you seems to know that. I don't want anyone else. Don't you see that we can still be the way we have always been and still love each other? We had something so increditable special that I am so scared to get close to anyone. I am so scared of getting let down again, that I can't even try anymore. I miss you so much. I saw a pocket watch today, and it reminded me of how you said once that you wanted one. I can even remember what you wanted on it. And every day I hold all of this in. And every day I deny what I felt. Every day I try to forget you. But you are etched in my heart. Sometimes I just want to die jut to kill the pain. Yet I know tht none of this will bring you back to me. So I try to move on. You have twisted me. Even as I write this I wipe away my tears and pray that the pain with end soon. Please GOD let it end, so I can find someone that will love me. Someone like this guy I met. Someone truly interested in me. Someone not scared like Stone. Sorry everyone I realy needed to let that out. I am hurting bad. Hopefully I will start healing now. Later.

Welcome Kiddies

So I was reading Uncle Willie's (A.K.A Wil Wheaton) blog and thought to myself, "change is good." So here we go. BTW, try WWdN, he is a great writer. I hate trying to explain why I do things. Simply put, friends don't need it, and enemies don't want to hear it. So what can you do? How should I know I am asking you! I tell you all something, I realized that I have become the queen of rant. And I love it myself. If you get a chance listen to Wil's audio blog about the American Flag Doormat. He is as good as Dennis Miller. What is it that makes us start expressing such extreme emotions about things? Why is that things can really get us going? I mean seriously. I know that I can go off about this, I would be a hypocrite and say that I don't get it completely, but why are little things so important to us? BECAUSE THEY ARE! Do I really have to start it all this way? YES! So I was reading Uncle Willie, and god love him, but I am so sick about hear how much in love he is. I get it! I mean I do not need to have my head beaten over with how much he loves his wife. Wil it's great that you have someone like that, but please for those that don't...stop rubbing it in. I choose not to write about my s/o (for those who don't get it "significant other" OMG I have become a true gamer) because I want to keep him out of limelight. Now if he were my ex and I needed a release, and I can't yell at him/her... then sure I will talk about how much of an arse he/she is. Otherwise why say anything. I am happy with my sweetie, and there is no reason to bring him up. On the other hand I have read someof the comments left & dude... what is up with some of these people. I am a hugh fan as well but I get that if you wanted to get to know me that you would take the step on your own. Hey everyone else that isn't his close personal friend, it is a little creepy to have you constantly ask him to be your penpal. Maybe Willie you have that crazy fan boy/girl that wants you to cheat ans that is why I have to read about all the little sweet things you do with Anne, but please I am getting cavities. Put it in your next book. I write stories about love that may contain real people, but man. Well I am sorry that I went off like that. Wil & Anne, I am so glad you are totally crazy about each other, especially after nearly 5 years of marriage. I am happy that your kids and your husband get along. I am so glad that you live it what seems to be a dream world. Most of us will never find that kind of happiness. Not to be mean but it sounds a little too good to be true. But this is not the time to start in about that. Enjoy your day everyone and talk to you all again soon.

Ok for those who ask for a photo...here it is. probably the best one that I have taken in a long time. Unfortunately I am not photogenic. LOL