Waking Up Alone

You even have a gnawing in your stomach. Well I do. It's bad. In my email I got to reciept for my Valentine's Day postcard to Stone. I wonder if he did that on purpose. He knows that I always have a receipt sent, but he just has to open it first. So the question lies has he just now opened to make me think that he finally has gotten online (knowing that I when I blow up on him that that is a way yo get me to talk to him again) or has he just waited to open it? He knows me too well. He is the only person I have really let in. He knows that I cannot stay mad if I think that he just hasn't been able to get online to send anything to me. However the logical side of me states that if he really did go back to college he has free access, and has just decided to now let me know he is around to that I will come running back. As much as he knows that I love him and want to be with him, I will stay away. As much as the question burns for an answer... I must hold out. As much as it tortures me. I must hold on. Things were going fine til today. I wasn't thinking of him so much and working on erasing him my mind. Although I were the cross, mainly I have wore it so long that I feel naked without it. I even thought about sending him all his pics or burn them even. Yet I realized that that would be stupid. He was a part of my life and will always be a part of my heart, though I dare not speak of it. His departure does not change my plans for my life. Although it may have changed where I start it again. I hate to lose such a close friend, but the heartbreak of his carelessness is to overbaring on me. I miss him dearly though. I sometimes wonder what he would say if he ever came upon this. Probably laugh at my foolishness. After all any feelings to him are foolishness. I would rather be a fool who has loved, than be a fool afraid to love.

Funny lately all the titles recently have been song titles, some of you might say. Well if you look up the songs, or know them, then you would see how the song is just a reflection of my mind. Music is a big influence with me. Music sets the tone of my day. I use it to express my feelings and thoughts.

Brand New Day

Well it's been two days since I have made my decision. I have been thinking about everything that has happened to me in the last 13 years and I really see where I went wrong. I trusted other people with decisions. I made the decisions but I let other people influence what I wanted. Let them talk me out of things, talk me into things, and all those things where not good for me. Yet I trusted them and/or their years and believed that they might know something. I forgot that everyone is out for their own best interest. With certain people it has been abundantly clear that everyone has their own agenda and I am either a stepping stone or a desire unrealized. The problem with both is that my happiness is never considered or really cared about. Everyone wants what they want. I am tired of that. I am tired of being a good person. I am tired of caring for others wants and how we "can work together" to get what we want. Everyone, even the sweetest nicest people, just uses you to get something. Usually it is their own happiness. You see there are two types of people in this world, the ones that true care of others and the ones that will use as many to get what they want. Worse of all I can even almost understand the kind of person that uses to get what they need, but I find that it is not that they need something; it is just something that they want. I am the kind of person who will get what they need but will give in trade. I can no longer allow myself to be that way. Most people do not deserve it and all people will walk on you because they can. I shake my head in disappointment at what I have seen our people become. I have lost faith in humanity.

Sue me

I just did the hardest thing I have ever done. I wrote Stone and told him, I was done with all this. That if he needed a friend let me know (he won't). He isn't like that. But it was a gesture. I told him if he got his life together... well you don't to hear it all. When I was writing I was listening to a "Guys & Dolls" song. I realized that I was ready to cry. Because I as much as I love him I can't go on with this once in a blue moon relationship. I am better than that. I deserve someone that will show he loves me. Not just try to screw me when he wants a change, if I wanted that I would married. If you can't tell men have done me wrong. Funny thing, he still my most trusted friend. At least he never lied to me, he just used me. He will always have my heart, but I have to go on. I mean he first and last person that enters my mind every day. I wish him all that life and love can give him, that he will except of course. I have decided that I will never marry again. Mainly I could never give my heart to guy that would want marry me. I can't give what I don't have. I have given my heart 3x's. First time was my ex-boyfriend Teague. I wanted to marry him, but he screwed it up with fucking my friends and a few girls I didn't know. Then I gave it to my ex-husband David. My first everything, and I mean everything if you know what I mean. Too bad he fucked my friend(?) and beat when when I objected to him doing it. Now "Stone" stole my heart, and hasn't had the decency to give it back. I always wondered why he just never said he didn't want it. I did tell him that if he didn't want me or anything, all he had to do is say so. I can handle rejection. But he never done that. I can't handle always on a string. I need more. I would be faithful and love him forever if he once he said that he loved me. Not elude to it, and act like it...all I want is one word, or even a "I want (me) <fill in the blank>."

Without Love (where would you be?)

I have been sitting here thinking... one of the perfect song the sums up my feelings, I guess that would be it. I have been struggling with a decision of how to tell Stone that I want to be released for our promises without hurting his feelings. Half of my says fuck his feels he has cared about yours. On the otherhand he has been a trusted friend whom I loved dearly. The problem really lies in the fact that I really want a future with him, but he isn't there yet. So once I again do I stand back and hope? or say screw it, because any guy that doesn't just jump for me isn't worthy of me. I mean (***ego speaking***) I have had guys say that they should have gotten with me and watch them verbally kick themself when they realized it. That always feels good to remember. Always the romantic I see beauty in this tragety. I hold to specific moments that define my worth. Like the time when my friend Erik, whom I had a thing for for the longest time, had just found out that his 18 year old ex-girlfriend was pregnant (btw he was like 32). And it looked like the cancer had came back. I would sit and talk with him for hours. One day he turned to me and said, "Val I should be having this baby with you." "I should have gotten you pregnant." That will fuck your head for a moment, then I saw the beauty in the thought. He thought so much of me, that to share what was a precious idea (in his mind) with me really meant so very much. I define myself by the tears in men's eyes when they realize that they want to stay with me, then run off. I can't get used to that. See a man cry because they realize that I was such a good choice and right in front of them. And yet when they realize it it is to too late.

My heart grows ever colder toward Stone everyday. It is sad when you know in your heart that you have finally found your perfect match. Someone that is passionate, yet so cold. Someone that is outgoing, yet wants to be alone. Someone that just fits your wants and desires and goals and everything that you are ans want to share, rolled up into one person that is a complete compliment...and then watch them be about 5 years in growth behind you. In the same state of heart that you were and still too scared to believe that someone could be their match and and never leave them or hurt them. He is the only person I never tired of. Then if was truly true then why am I tired of him now? The answer? Because I can no longer take the sadness that loving him means. I cannot take the waiting, for him to realize. I mean it is only thing when a guy that I liked finally breaks down (even after a year) and says that he should have been with me. But I have waited 3 years for that realization. Some part o me would wait 300 years to look into his eyes and see that realization. I love that look becauses it at that moment when when it dawn on a man, that all that searching and disappointment could have been spared if they just saw what was in front of them all along. The trick for that is for the guy to hit the wall. Stone may not have hit that wall yet. The question is can I wait for that moment and be ready to hold him up when he lie bleeding. Before I would have jumped and said yes, but now I don't know.

I have been holding a secret. I am ready to have a child. Or at least I thought I was. I was going to ask Stone to be the father. I know crazy chick that thing happening. I just want to be able to have a child and not be in my 50's (or older) watching him graduate high school. My biological clock was switch on alarm and it has been going off for the last 3 months now (about to look for a hammer to shut it off). Yet I have been thinking the last few days. What will I say when the child turns to me and asks "Mommy why aren't you and daddy together?" "Mommy where is my daddy?" "Mommy why didn't he love us to stay?" I cannot bare the thought of that childs eyes just because I want to have a baby, and know that his father would never be there. I harbor no illusion about the fact that he would want nothing to do with me or our child. I now realize that as much as I want my baby, that I would be doing that child such a great disservice to have him without a loving father in his life. BTW I always wanted little boys, I love little boys...little girls are to prissy. LOL. I do not want to see my little man grow up with a good father/husband role model. So squash the idea of having a baby, and time to face reality.

I am woman running close to 30, with no hope of finding what I want. All I have ever wanted was a family. Call me old-fashion, but I wanted a husband and 4 sons (maybe give in and have a daughter), the house, the cars, the playset in the backyard, the cat, the dog, the fish, the work from home job so I can be mom, the husband that works hard for his family; and even if we didn't have much still give our children all the love and happiness that money can't buy. Yet this is not my life. I have lost all hope in having it. Now the best I can hope for is to get my degree and find a small nitch in life. Buy my own little house...have my own little car...have my cat. Make life good for me & the people in it, and be alone.

I think I just need to give up. My mother should have named me Jude. Because I was never one to give up, even on lost causes. Now I think I just need to give up. Give up hope on love. Give up hope that anyone but me will ever truly care for me. Give up that anything I want will happen. And realize that this what I have and may never be more than that. Realize that I had my glimpse of happiness with someone that truly was my match will never be more than that... a small wink in my life. Realize that noone will ever give me the life I wanted. That you can be considered (and I was a long time ago) the most beautiful person and no one will love you. That if you are beautiful that you will be left broken and alone. I think I just don't want to be a wonderful person and be alone. Wonderful, beautiful people are lonely. They are used and cast aside. But I cannot be what I am not. I cannot be someone that is uncaring, uncompassionate, undevoted, unloving, icy stone-hearted bitch. I can't do it. I am reminded of what a great writer wrote, "To thine own self be true." So now it is time to be true to myself with these words to help me along the way...

God grant me
the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference;

Living one day at a time;
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it:

Trusting that you will make all things right
if I surrender to your will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with you forever in the next.

Dr. Reinhold Neibuhr - 1926

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Well it is the day before Valentine's Day, and I am so bored. I have someone on my mind and can't get ahold of that person. I hope they are ok. I wonder if they even understand that I am alive and have feelings? Who knows. Right about now don't care.