OMG another month?

Yep, it's true. I am officially the slacker you will come to love. Maybe it was that all I have in my life right now is school work and a 40-hours job. Or maybe it is the fact that I have such a ull life that nothing EVER happens. But the truth is that it just takes time for things to happen to me. I am so busy with school, work, and fighting with the people I live with, that I don't have time to have a real life. Sometimes it feels that everyone just wants a piece of me. That's not what has been bothering me lately though. I am so sick of falling into the friend zone. I am so sad, and it hurts. I can finally say this is the first time in a long time I have actually thought of Stone and the reason is because he was the last person to hurt me this bad. Why is it when you find someone that you truly connect with, that it never works out? Why does it die or they just start in with (or back with) someone else? I was recently talking with a friend of my and he had that question too. We were talking about his ex-girlfriend, "Katy," and he said to me, "If I am so wonderful then why wasn't with me? Why was she always hanging with other people? If I was so awesome in bed, why did she stop sleeping with me?" I had no real answer to give him. I wondered why he was wasting his time. I understand that he loves her, but when she broke it off there is a point that you have to start saying maybe that it wasn't meant to be. Well, let's explore my experience with this "friends" thing. I met a guy. We talked. We found we had a lot in common. We hung out. He said he really liked me. Then he starts dating my friend. He thinks I am great, and someone he can talk to. So automatically I am what he wants in a relationship? I have a wonderful personality. Therefore I am not good enough to be with? I treat him well. So I am not someone he can love? Well it seems that that is the picture that always painted. I would not have been so hurt about it all except the day before he started with the girl I told him how I felt. I told him that I really liked him to and that I could see myself dating someone like him...or him. That I would like to start seeing him. But I understood that the timing was a little weird. You see we both had recently broke up with out significant others. I felt like a fool telling him how I felt but I knew I had to tell him before it was too late. So the next day he got with her. My heart sank. He didn't even call me to tell me that he had gotten back with her. He had invited me to hang out and there they were all over each other. I thought...well I thought a lot of things. Mainly I was angry. Angry enough to call his answering machine, cuss him out, tell him how pissed I was, then regretted every word and wanted to cry. You see even though I thought we were close I never let anyone see me cry. I felt that it would be wrong to let him know that I actually cared that much that he could hurt me so, so I haven't ever told him. I thought I had finally met someone that would be good to be with. I know that he was a good guy in his previous relationships and that all he wanted was someone that would make him happy. I just really wanted to be that person. I really wanted that chance. I think it is sad when you find someone you have so much in common with that it almost seems like you have been living each other's lives then not to get together seems wrong. I cannot say that that everyday would be cherries and roses, but I know that I would appreicate him. And I know that he would appreicate me...he already did. So I sit here and just miss him. He is on my mind, and heart. What scares me the most is that I realized how much I was happy to be around him. He made me happy. Now I get sad just thinking about it all. I don't really feel sorry for myself, but I know that people like that don't come around that often and if you find them it is a sad day when they go. I have thought many times how much I have wanted to tell him what has bothered me, but I never have the words. Or I am scared to say anything at all. I made myself into a fool once, not really eager to do it again. I felt like he just laugh at me and stomped on my feelings after I finally opened up to someone. I was really going to give him a chance with me, and...well...I guess it really don't matter now. It just still hurts. We are still friends. And everytime we talk, it hurts. I just sit back and let him go though, but I want him to be happy. I hope he is happy. I pray he is. I am not.