I am such a moron

I think I let the most wonderful guy slip through my fingures. He is sweet and romantic, and I just know that we would get along great. But as always fate has kicked me in the ass. He lives like 4 hours away, and my car is broke. He can't make it here. He wants me to go with him to a festival that I can't make, and he really sounds great. This is crap. And I know why I am getting all emotional about this. Damn it NIVEL! Why do you still pop into mind? You made your decision. Why can't you just dissapear like you like to do. Why do I have to suffer for your stubborness? If you had been upfront, totally, with me... Oh well, "if's" again. Screw it. Damn it when well I stop loving you? I hate the fact that we are so alike and are so happy when we are together. We are supportive of each other and genuinely care. But you are so scared. Well you know I think you are full of shit. Just admit it to yourself just once, you love me too. That is why you get so jealous. That is why you want me to yourself, and don't want me to date others. That is why you wanted to kick Brin's ass when you heard he hit me. It is more than I am your friend. You love me. Everyone but you seems to know that. I don't want anyone else. Don't you see that we can still be the way we have always been and still love each other? We had something so increditable special that I am so scared to get close to anyone. I am so scared of getting let down again, that I can't even try anymore. I miss you so much. I saw a pocket watch today, and it reminded me of how you said once that you wanted one. I can even remember what you wanted on it. And every day I hold all of this in. And every day I deny what I felt. Every day I try to forget you. But you are etched in my heart. Sometimes I just want to die jut to kill the pain. Yet I know tht none of this will bring you back to me. So I try to move on. You have twisted me. Even as I write this I wipe away my tears and pray that the pain with end soon. Please GOD let it end, so I can find someone that will love me. Someone like this guy I met. Someone truly interested in me. Someone not scared like Stone. Sorry everyone I realy needed to let that out. I am hurting bad. Hopefully I will start healing now. Later.