On the Rollercoaster

So... as much as I have been thinking about writing on here, I just haven't. My mind has been all over the place.  My BFF Brian moved away and that has sucked.  He was one of the few people that I really connected well with in this life and one of the few men that did not try to get me in bed (or my brother). Bonus points.  I would sit and rant a bit about that but it is pointless.

Bigger news is that I met someone in November that changed my world, only to find out that it is the same world with more potholes in it.  "L.W." confuses me on a level that I have never experienced before. To say this guy changes his mind a lot is like saying people that are bi-polar have ever-so slight mood changes.  In fact I know a few people that are bi-polar and they are more consistent.  He says he wants to be cautious because of the mistakes he has made in his past.  I get that, I have messed up what could have been great things by rushing. Although inaction can be worse than rushing in.  I ponder whether I should drop even speaking to him. I really don't need another complication in my life. If I thought he would understand what I am trying to say I would tell him that if he doesn't make up his mind soon, then he will lose me forever. It's been 6 months, make up your mind... are we just friends or do you want more? I am not like the females (put very loosely) that you are used to... I do not play the whore and I do not like to be jerked around.  Let your yes mean yes & no mean no. Stop with all this perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.  One day we're just friends. The next week he does a 180, and tells me how he loves me. I have whiplash from his indecision. I actually have considered that he may be just a guy that is cheating on someone. The only reason he has gotten this much leeway is because he accepted a job overseas to begin in 2 months and he wants to figure out exactly what he wants to do now that he did meet someone he's (supposedly) interested in.   "L.W.", though, is the least of the things on my mind. Although I guess I did have a rant in me :P

I am stuck on several concepts on where to go with life now...  Since I know this seem out of the blue, let's back track a bit.

On January 13th/14th, 2014 I nearly died.  Actually I did die several times, I just didn't stay dead.  There was no medical invention that saved me. The doctors at the hospital did not think I was going to make it.  They told my family that if by some miracle I did not die that I would be in a coma more than likely the rest of my life. I woke up at 4 am.  The details of how it happened are not very important.  It was not an attempt on my life.  Purely an accident. However the experience has completely changed me.  There was no tunnel or white light. I do believe in an afterlife.  Maybe that is why I had no experience, I knew I wasn't going to die.  I stopped breathing several times for up to 5 minutes. All I remember is falling asleep.  It was quite and peaceful when I did not jerk awake confused, only to slip back into sleep.  From what I was told it was better that I was not conscious.  The doctors did everything to save me but gave up.  They said I should have been dead when I walked in the door.

So now what?  I am alive, but am completely different.  I look at things and they seem unfamiliar.  People seem unfamiliar.  I do not feel the same way about anything or anyone anymore. Will I be like this forever?  I actually liked myself before.  That person was so much better.  I feel like part of me is missing.  This is becoming a deep depression that I cannot shake.  I do not want to do anything that I used to.

I wonder if this has happened to anyone else.

This one event has reshaped my whole world.  Everything seems brighter and colors more vivid.  Tastes and smells are more real... and yet I am missing part of me.  I feel like I lost something.  Something very important and I know I will never get it back but the urge to search for it still is a longing I cannot stop.  My heart and mind tell me that I am not where I need to be.  Everything is wrong.  I feel like an interdimensional traveler that has slipped into a similar reality but it's just not the same and I know it.  I feel off. And I just want to get off this rollercoaster.  There is no thrill in this life.  Just nightmares and the feeling of slowly withering away in a shell I call my body.

Speaking of which, even the way I dream has changed.  I have had night-terrors almost every night of my life. They are different and worse.  They about things I have never even seen in a movie.  Cruelties that humanity had done to itself.... Example last night...

I dreamed I was walking with a group of people in a jungle-like area.  We had to detour our path (for a reason I do not remember) that was going to take us through a small village.  Our translator/guide said that it was a safe area to travel in.  When we arrived at the edge of the village... it was a massacre.  Gorilla fighter had came in and killed everyone.  Men, women, and children. I could not even describe in detail the horror. They took the bodies and after beating and butchering them they impaled their bodies on what looked like pikes. While walking through this killing field I found one little boy still breathing but badly hurt.  He was hanging upside down stuck through the belly.  Too weak to even cry, but not bleeding out. I ran to him, screaming to have them help me cut him down.  Our translator/guide said that this was a warning and to remove or help him could make things worse.  I told him I would not just let him die.  We cut this small boy, maybe 4 years old, down and did what we could. He opened his eyes and looked up at me with pleading eyes. He was in so much pain.  He had cuts all over him from being beating so severely that he must have lost consciousness and took him for dead or dying. I told them not to remove the branch-like pike and carried him to the first "hospital" we could safely come to.  Then I woke up. I can still see his face.

I don't dream like that.  I dream about natural disasters, zombie apocalypse (after too much "Walking Dead"/zombie movie marathon), and the few peaceful dreams I have had are natural settings that are so stunning I do not thing they could ever exist.  This was a dream of the pure evil that human cause. But these are the dreams I have been having for months now.  I start to cry just thinking about them.

What is happening to me?