Merry X-mas

Well it is that time if year again. My eldest son, just turned 12. Truthfully it tears my soul apart. My ex-husband loves to play these mind games. He thinks that if he can keep him away from long enough that I will stop loving him, and give up. I don't think he understands the meaning of love, let alone a mother's love. I adore my children. Not even death would stop me from thinking about them day & night and loving them forever. I understand that it is his messed up childhood that makes think that a mother can stop loving their child. I understand that his mother was a nut and that she did not love him the way she should. However, I am not his mother. I never will be, and he cannot turn me into her. One dark day he will learn the truth about life and love. And while I will feel sorry for him, there will be no rue pity. Everything we do, we do to ourselves. The distance we put between each other is our faults. It's called personal responsibility. It includes more than being responsible for bills or children. It includes our life decisions and outcomes from them. When a man cheats, his wife/girlfriend/lover may leave him, that is not the wife/girlfriend/lover's fault, no one forced the man to cheat he did that of his own free will. The consequences of that action is solely his fault. Not to say that a person cannot be driven to cheat, but the actually cheating is that person's personal decision, and they must accept the consequences of that action. For those that are more logical in nature, this is the rule of "cause and effect."

For all those out there lonely this holiday season, you are not alone. I miss my child greatly. You may begin to miss someone too. The reason that we feel loneliness a lot of the time is not because there is not one around...but because we remember a time when someone, or something, was and still long for them/it to return. We can never recapture our past. The only things we can do is work for our future. If it is a certain someone out there that you miss and you do have that chance to reconnect, what is stopping you? If it is something that you have been missing that you used to do, why not try doing it on your own? The main person who hinders you in life is...YOU!

I hope you all have a happy holiday. And remember that a new year with new possibilities are around the corner. Remember that "the buck stops" with you. Try to take care of yourself and each other.

Hey All

So you may be wondering what is going on in my life. I wonder the same thing. I am supossed to be with some that loves me, but he always seems angry. It feels like he hates me more than he loves me. When gets mad at others he takes it out on me. I hate feeling like this. I wish I did not love him so that it would not bother me as much, but I do. I see him slowly turning into David, my ex-, but there is nothing I can do. I am tired. Tired of the anger, and lies, and everything he gets jealous about. Seriously, if I wanted to cheat I could. It would not even be difficult. But I will not. I mean if I will not with him, why do it with anyone else? I wish that he understood that about me. I swear he is so self-absorbed. I hurt and he gets mad. Even if I am not blaming him for something he gets all defensive. I am just trying to talk to him. He asks me what is wrong then gets mad when I tell him. I hate to say it but if i wanted to be treated like this then I would go back to me nightmare of an ex-. I want to stay with him. Funny thing is if he reads this he will throw the attitude "well I will just leave you alone then." Which is not what he really wants, he just wants me to feel guilty. Why are not i allowed to get angry? Why cannot i blow off steam? Why does not he just love me?

In other news... Well my "good friend" just told me that he was married. I swear what is wrong with guys today? He says, "I did not mean to hurt you, and I do not want to lose you or your friendship." Reality check... I would have been his friend even though he was married! Why lie?!? Did he think he ever had the chance to get me in bed? Not this lifetime. I get my kicks above the waistline, Sunshine! The worse part of all of this is that he got his (now ex-) girlfriend, yes he had a girlfriend that never knew either, down here pregnant. Thank GOD that she lost the baby! My question is how was he going to explain the baby to his wife? For that matter he was engaged to her and said that he was going to move her down there with him (he's military stationed somewhere else)with him. What was going to happen? Walk through the door with he and say "Honey I'm home and I brought some help for you around the house (and me in the bed)!" Needless to say I am pretty pissed about the whole situation. I feel hurt and my trust is betrayed. The funny thing is that he gets mad at me about it. He is the one that needs a kick in the ass and he is mad at anyone? I swear i will never understand men...ever!

Back to my problem though. My friends would say get rid of him, I know them VERY well. However, I just am not ready to let him go. I know I would miss him terribly and the loneliness hurts worse than the bullshite I get. What now?

OMG another month?

Yep, it's true. I am officially the slacker you will come to love. Maybe it was that all I have in my life right now is school work and a 40-hours job. Or maybe it is the fact that I have such a ull life that nothing EVER happens. But the truth is that it just takes time for things to happen to me. I am so busy with school, work, and fighting with the people I live with, that I don't have time to have a real life. Sometimes it feels that everyone just wants a piece of me. That's not what has been bothering me lately though. I am so sick of falling into the friend zone. I am so sad, and it hurts. I can finally say this is the first time in a long time I have actually thought of Stone and the reason is because he was the last person to hurt me this bad. Why is it when you find someone that you truly connect with, that it never works out? Why does it die or they just start in with (or back with) someone else? I was recently talking with a friend of my and he had that question too. We were talking about his ex-girlfriend, "Katy," and he said to me, "If I am so wonderful then why wasn't with me? Why was she always hanging with other people? If I was so awesome in bed, why did she stop sleeping with me?" I had no real answer to give him. I wondered why he was wasting his time. I understand that he loves her, but when she broke it off there is a point that you have to start saying maybe that it wasn't meant to be. Well, let's explore my experience with this "friends" thing. I met a guy. We talked. We found we had a lot in common. We hung out. He said he really liked me. Then he starts dating my friend. He thinks I am great, and someone he can talk to. So automatically I am what he wants in a relationship? I have a wonderful personality. Therefore I am not good enough to be with? I treat him well. So I am not someone he can love? Well it seems that that is the picture that always painted. I would not have been so hurt about it all except the day before he started with the girl I told him how I felt. I told him that I really liked him to and that I could see myself dating someone like him...or him. That I would like to start seeing him. But I understood that the timing was a little weird. You see we both had recently broke up with out significant others. I felt like a fool telling him how I felt but I knew I had to tell him before it was too late. So the next day he got with her. My heart sank. He didn't even call me to tell me that he had gotten back with her. He had invited me to hang out and there they were all over each other. I thought...well I thought a lot of things. Mainly I was angry. Angry enough to call his answering machine, cuss him out, tell him how pissed I was, then regretted every word and wanted to cry. You see even though I thought we were close I never let anyone see me cry. I felt that it would be wrong to let him know that I actually cared that much that he could hurt me so, so I haven't ever told him. I thought I had finally met someone that would be good to be with. I know that he was a good guy in his previous relationships and that all he wanted was someone that would make him happy. I just really wanted to be that person. I really wanted that chance. I think it is sad when you find someone you have so much in common with that it almost seems like you have been living each other's lives then not to get together seems wrong. I cannot say that that everyday would be cherries and roses, but I know that I would appreicate him. And I know that he would appreicate me...he already did. So I sit here and just miss him. He is on my mind, and heart. What scares me the most is that I realized how much I was happy to be around him. He made me happy. Now I get sad just thinking about it all. I don't really feel sorry for myself, but I know that people like that don't come around that often and if you find them it is a sad day when they go. I have thought many times how much I have wanted to tell him what has bothered me, but I never have the words. Or I am scared to say anything at all. I made myself into a fool once, not really eager to do it again. I felt like he just laugh at me and stomped on my feelings after I finally opened up to someone. I was really going to give him a chance with me, and...well...I guess it really don't matter now. It just still hurts. We are still friends. And everytime we talk, it hurts. I just sit back and let him go though, but I want him to be happy. I hope he is happy. I pray he is. I am not.

-----> Busy <-------

So I received a post today wondering where I have been. Well I guess it has been a while since I have writeen anything. Then I saw that is has been nearly two month! Well for all those that who don't know, I am back in college. Getting my associates. I am also working at two jobs to pay for my degree! It has been extremely rough. I wish I had more time to write. Things have been good, and horribly bad. Good news, I got a job, then another job to make up for what the first job didn't pay for ($20). LOL! I have in this new class for 4 weeks and I HATE IT! Good news it that it ends next week! I tell ya I really like these condensed classes. Class 5x a week and learning nothing takes too much out of my schedule. Since classes begin I have lived on a very scheduled life. Good news, I met someone new that seems interesting. Bad news, he gave his phone number and has not called back. I swear I will never understand why a man gives you his number takes your then never calls. I mean I don't like to chase men. What am I 7? I don't think so. Well since time is short today I will have to write again in a couple days when I have a day off. Be well and take care of yourself and each other!

It Must Have Been Love

Over the last few days I have been thinking about heart-matters. I wonder sometimes if I will ever find someone to love that loves me also. It seems that I find either one or the other, never both. Life has lost it's thrill. Maybe it is just my society's programming that says I need to love and be loved, maybe it is a deep longing for someone that completes the missing pieces of the puzzle. Maybe it is the fact I know that there is someone out there that is a perfect fit for me. Now I don't buy into the programming that states there is only one person out there for everyone, but I do think that there is one person that fits best. Then again sometimes I think the "one" for me is trapped on a desserted island or dying from AIDS or dead or married to someone else or I met him when I was married and now he has moved on without me. Or maybe he just has a taste for young women that he can't break away from long enough to see what is right in from of his eyes. We say all these thing to make ourselves feel better about why we are not with the one that makes our hearts flutter, but it doesn't fill the void that is in our souls. We say it was their loss, but it is our loss too. It's my loss. I have loved deeply and whether it was a right or wrong desicion I loved. Whether I wanted to love him or not. Whether I saw it was a bad idea or not. Whether he will ever feel guilty for breaking my heart or not.

Dear Diary,
I am scared. I can feel something happening inside my heart. I feel myself getting warm and fuzzy OMG make it stop! It hurts. I just want to cry. I don't want to love or feel love because I can't handle the heartbreak anymore. I just want to be comfortably numb for the rest of my life. I don't want to know someone that when I see him makes the corners of my mouth lift slightly, OK maby it is more of a broad goofy grin. I don't want to open my email and see a letter from someone and that be the highlight of my day to the point I hope for another one. Checking my email 10 or more times a day is not healthy. When will this torture end? More to the point, when will my heart stop stumbling into love? If it won't then why can't I find a guy that I like that is ready for a committment with me? So I am not a perfect 10, but I know I am beautiful in my way. I know I have talents. I know that if they look inside they will see something wonderful and worth having...I mean all my stalkers can't be wrong...LOL I joke but in a way not. Even if I am not interested in the person that is interested in me, there is someting that they find so irresistable that they must possess me. BTW why are guys so possessive of me? Why are they so scared of losing me? I mean if I am with them, that means I AM WITH THEM! I am not interested in anyone else. But in that way I am like sand...if you hold on to tightly I will slip through your fingers. Sometimes I think that God is playing a joke on me. Sometimes I think that he wants to torture me. Sometimes I think that maybe I should give up, then again everytime I give up I meet someone that is really great...then he meets someone new and I am just a friend. I HATE THE FRIEND ZONE! I hear that from guys all the time with the chicks they like, but I get tired of it too. Yeah I prefer the company of guys, less cattiness, but my goodness. I am a female too. When will it be my turn for real love?

Hot Monkey Love! I found these guys just laying around on POK, thought I would share. Still LMAO

Ultimate Truth

Just when things are going good, it will be flash-flooded away. Well right now I either should be on the road with 4 others or on a bus or packing my bags and getting ready for a plane ride. However the four others bailed on me. They bailed the day before we were to leave. The price of the bus ticket was to higher, and noone had an extra car for me to drive myself. Noone could help with the plane ticket, even though I was told that I was going to get the help. So no Nationals for me. No Finland. No chance. Nothing. Once again my hopes are shattered. Nothing new. Oh well. Tis the story of my life. Oh well. Life will go on.

Why

I was asked, the other day, why I like to sing so much. At the time I said it was because I love to preform for other people and make them smile. Last night I realized that wasn't the case. I discovered that the only reason I sing is because that is the only time anyone listens to what I have to say. I tried talking to people the last few days, even some of my "friends," but noone was listening. They didn't even hear me. I walk around and nobody sees me. I have scared more than a few people with just standing still til they notced me. No matter what I do knows knows I exist. Until I sing. My voice actually touchs peoples hearts, but that is all that they see of me also. I am just a voice in the wind. Still noone sees me. I am invisable on stage as much as in life. I think that is the real reason I get mad if noone listens. I always thought it was just because that to totally ignor someone trying to sing that it was rude. No, it is because once again I am invisable. That is one reason I love my songs that I don't use a microphone for. It is a shock for them to hear me fill the room and not using a mic for assistance. It grabs attention. I used to think being invisable was great. I could do so much and noone knew. Now that I was people to see me, they don't. It has never matter how skinny I was or how fat I got. If I was slinky clothes or more clothes than a nun. I am invisable, and noone cares.

Site Updates

For all those that just ready the blogs you may not have noticed the changes to the left. If you look to the left you will see that I made a links section. Well left me give you a brief low down on what they are. Now all but one site interlock in a circle, of course I am talking about my geocities site. I have been too lazy to get around to linking it. So here we go, the 50 cent tour.

You are currently at Running Bafoot in the Dark a.k.a. My Diary. This is my personal side that I don't mind sharing with the world. I will share more about my feelings here than I will IRL, but then again IRL people don't accept that I have an opinion on anything. Isn't that messed up.

The World As I See It - My rant or article page. I write about issues that cross my mind. Amazingly yes, I have a mind. I just usually keep things to myself.

Poems of the Heart a.k.a. My Poetry page - self explainatory.

Lyrics for the Soul a.k.a. - My Lyrics page - celebety gossip, are you nuts? I know I make things incredibly simple. Then again there are some smart people who get confused. Make it so a 3rd grader can find the sites and still rocket scientist get lost.

Geocites - Well this is my first (actually second after geocites reformatted) pages. I have a collects of stories, some are true and others aren't. Just a little expression of myself. I mean I am no Homer but I like my stories and they are for me so.... I keep them.

Well that's all their is, for now. I am sure sooner or later I will expand it again, but not right now. Hope you enjoyed the tour and NO YOU DO NOT GET A REFUND. LOL. Have fun.

Those Burning Questions

So what intriges us so much when some says they need to tell you something, but can't right now. Why does that one thing they have not said yet become the ine thing you then have to know? Maybe it is a part of human nature. Maybe it is because the worse things come to mind and you need to disspell your own fears. Maybe it's a woman thing. Although it is fair to say that men have the same type of curiousity, just about different things.

My new friend says that he has something to tell me. Hmmmm. Now when a guy usually says he has something to tell me it usually consist of the following:

1. Oh yeah, by the way, I am married. I hope that does not change anything. (This one sucks because I don't like even to be friends with one of a married couple. I hate being dragged into fights).

2. Just to let you know, I now have a girlfriend so I can't talk to you in public or she will find us out. (Shit, if you are with the love of your life then why are/were you hitting on me?)

3. The doctors say it is_________. (Oh MY GOD, I want to be out the door before that line is filled in.)

Need I go on?

However, this isn't supposed to be that type of friend. Not like my bestfriend that turned on me when we really got close. So truthfully I am not sure what this "thing to tell (me)" could be about. Although my money is one of the above mentioned. I just can't decide between them. He told me he was single, so if he is as honest as I hope it is not door number one. A little less honest it may be door number two, because as we all know single does not mean he isn't dating someone (it just that sometimes it is worse to have a non-married friend with a girlfriend than a married friend & his wife). Door number three doesn't matter as long as it is not transmittable by casual contact.

So I have this laundry list of things it can be. I think I am more worried that it may be something like, "I was too scared to admit that I am gay. So stay away from me you hetro/bi fish." Which I never understood why some gay men hate women so very much. Although I don't really think that, I mean I have already asked the right questions. I guess I am afraid it will be something too shocking. Truly the only that would shock me at this point is a marriage purposal. ROTFLMAO!!! I mean come on. I would worry about it more because of the refusal to write it down except I know sometimes you just have to say things in person. Even if it is small, just so you can gauge the reaction and control the damage. OH GOD DOOR NUMBER TWO!

Well here is my thing, I trust someone until they lie to me. So I trust that he isn't going to say anything about a wife or girlfriend. I have been very honest with him. I mean why would I lie to someone that I am trying to make friends with?

However, my nature is to worry. I worry about people I like. I worry about my friends, and loved ones. When the war in Iraq started I was bad. When my friend got into a car accident that killed his friend in the car, I was a wreck. I have this motherly/nurturing streek that runs through me...it drives me crazy. I totally love my friends. Of course I have to think you are pretty great before I call you friend. Well I don't knoe where to end this. Sooooo.....

KWCUSA Update

Well as of yesterday I am in the national competition. So toward the end of May I will be in Washington State. Oh joy. I love to travel, but not with a bunch of people I don't know. Throw in the fact that I will be running against them and this will not be fun. Especially if I end up going to World competition and they don't. So this should get interesting.

Huh?

So I was trying to recover some of the poetry I have published on this one site, so I don't have to dig for the originals, and OMG I can't retreive them. That pissed me off. What's a girl to do? My first thought was "get laid," then I said "NO NO NO, what would a GIRL do?" Then I thought "get mad." Sometimes you have to think of something positive before angry. LOL. Of course anyone who knows me know that I got frustrated trying to find it then got angry but hey does neatness count? SO you are saying to yourself, is she drunk? or did Ross Perot take over her mind??? Sadly neither has happened yet so I have no excuss except that I am terribly bored and still haven't slept. Going on over 24 hours. OMG I NEED SLEEP!!! That isn't what's on my mind though. I have an interesting relationship with this guy. We have been on & off for 3 years. Now it is time to kinda move on and this is a small problem since we live together. Worse than being married. He said to me the other day that he want to start sleeping around, so of course I say, "Okay, only if I get to also." He said ok at first, then the thought hit him. He said, "Well if I don't feel comfortable with that then you have to stop." What-the-freak- ever!!! I said, "Well baby then I would need to make a few phone calls b/c it wouldn't be fair for you to be sleeping with a few people and when I finally decide to that you feel uncomfortable. I mean equality hun. However many peple that you sleep with I get to sleep with an equal number WITHOUT you getting mad." If he doesn't like it I guess that it isn't going to happen. I swear the nerve of that guy. Tell me that I can't do whomever I want, but he will? What is up with that? He just doesn't get the idea that it is a goose & gander thing. Why should I let him have fun if I can't? Not right in my opinion. Then again neither is the fact I won't be sleeping with anyone. I mean if I won't sleep with him after all this time, then why would I sleep with anyone else? I swear men think all women if not virgins are sluts. That is enough to piss me off there. I mean I already live under the stigmatism of living in a town where like 90+% of the females are whores. Living in a military/college town does not help. So most guys think automatically that you are easy when they meet you and you have to try to talk then down to the point that you are NOT going fuck them. Most guys won't even talk to you again. Not that that is a big loss. If I am good enough to fuck, then I am good enough to be with outside the bedroom, and if I am good enough to be a girl-friend then I am good enough to be your girlfriend. I think the quality of men have slipped a little. They expect such low morals and all from women. I think it shows how bad men have become too. Not that I don't understand, but maybe I shouldn't have to. Yes, one day I would love to meet the right kind of guy, but finding a man that is the right mix on naughty and nice like me is hard. Truly I do want a male version of me. Would be nice...lol He doesn't have to be exactl like but close to my personality so we can be friends when we are older, that would be nice. Good luck to me. LOL I may happen, probably not.

What's New Pussy Cat?

Not to much happening for the Val. I have made some new friends at a karaoke bar. LOL! Actually it is good. Now when I walk in I get the "Cheers Welcome," and the waitres/bartender knows what I want before I say it. The funny thing is that even though I have been hanging with some of these people for a bit now, I can't remember more than a few names.

First there is Mike, 23 year old USAF guy that sings mainly Marilyn Manson and other hard rock. He has a sweet tempermant that makes him easy to talk to. He has a playful side that I would love to learn about. Too bad he is in the military, they always leave too soon. Thank God for e-mail. He seems down to earth, but there is something about him that tells me there is more to him than I know, or what he says. My curiousity is peeked.

Then there is Vinny, 20'ish who is usually there with his girlfriend. Vinny looks middle eastern but I am not sure. He has Sinatra's voice though, and when he sings those old crooner songs it's not hard to fall in love with his voice. His girlfriend isn't much of a singer but he shy nature compliments his out-goingness in a way that is sweet and loving. Vinny is completely focused on her. From what she had told me, they were friends for two years and she wasn't interested in him at all before a few months ago when he finally summoned the courage to ask her out. Now she is completely in love whether she really knows it or not. She shows a tenderness in the way she is around him that says that this couple may actually last...as long as they don't get married.

Chico, 45 year old mexican man that loves to sing "Los Lonely Boys" songs. Sweetest guy you have ever met. I love to hang with him and his girlfriend when she is down here. I have never seen a man so in love with his woman. I hear wedding bells. I don't know if she is as crazy about him as he is about her, but then again I only talked with her for around 45 mins. She seems very sweet and definitely the typical black woman that I am used to knowing. Chico is the kind of man that likes to help out and is generally a nice guy. I know that he is a divorced man that does NOT get along with his ex-wife. Then again I do not know too many divorced people that do have a "good" relationship with their ex's. He seems to have a soft-heart and truly wants people to like him. Something says to me that he has had problems making friends in the past. Maybe not making so much as keeping. It is unfortunate that many people, even now days, have trouble with the color of someone's skin. It should be a person's personality that should drive you away, not color. Of course that is not exactly how the world always works. I guess I am lucky that most people have always thought I was white.

Chris, A.K.A. the Russian(he is not Russian, he just drinks White Russians), seems nice but doesn't talk to much to me. He seems rather shy. OH NO, that means he must be the serial killer of the group. Watch out for the nice, but shy ones girls. Personally, I would rather have a man that is up-front and honest, unafraid to tell me the truth even though it may hurt. That is a rare thing these days.

Steve, who actually looks Russian, seems to be around 30-35 yo. Seems military, and has a Gomer Pile sense of humor that most can enjoy. I would wager in his daytime life that he has to be very authoritative and commanding. Best bet that he is an sergeant, that has to hold in a lot. That is why he goes a little wacky when he goes out. Seems good hearted with a dark side. Something behind those eyes say DON'T PISS HIM OFF. I still need to talk to him more before I can really say what I think about him.

There is a guy in that is in the group that is married and his wife and him are always there together. I can't help but stare b/c he is a dead ringer for Colin Mochrie from Whose Line Is It Anyway. It is almost freaky the similarities, down to his sense of humor. Needless to say he is a class clown and fun to hang around. His wife on the other hand is his sober companion. She is adorable though. In a way they are opposites but they blend so well. I tried talking with her tonight and she did open up a bit, but something tells me she is closed off for a reason.

Then there are a pair of black guys in the group that remind me of my friends from when I was a kid. Funny guys that seem a little oreo if you know what I mean, but not in a bad way. They fit into the group well and bring a home-like humor that I have missed. One of them sang Mandy tonight. He didn't know how it went either. It was hysterical. Their song style revolves around pop, with a little rap.

In all the group is well rounded in itself, then we have me. I can be such a social chameleon. I have a way to get along with all types of people and find ways to relate that I am an oddity. I do not think people get how I am. I can be a bit wild and outrageous, but then be shy and quite. I think the worse part is when I am more me than anything. I am open and up-front. I am not shy about myself and feel that there is no reason to hide what you feel or want. I tend to be out-spoken in this fashion. I have to curb my tongue because most are not as uninhibited as me. Any subject from sex to politics I am not afraid to share my views. However there are things that are best left to not saying except to close friends. Somewhere in the middle of all of it I do see a balance. I think that is my greater acheivement. I found balance to how I am. It brings a small bit of inner peace to know yourself. Lord knows I have searched for who I am for so long. The only thing that is nice is when I see how much I have developed from a bud to a magnificant flower. I am not saying I am all that, but I am happy to see a growth in myself. LOL Here I am going on about myself. But you know I do not really think about myself often. I think that you should write about yourself once in a while to see how much you have changed, see what is the same, see what you need to work on, and see what needs to be worked on more.

Update on KWCUSA State finals

I still have not picked a song! No song means no costume. I am really in a crunch since it is tomorrow! I guess I know what I will be doing tonight. Finding a costume that will match a few songs so that I am free to do as I wish. Truthfully I am happy just to make it to State. Making it to Regionals would be nice, but I am happy where I am. I really don't have the extra money involved to travel to Nationals or the World Championship. So I guess that State or Regionals will do for me. It has been worth my time and energy. It makes me proud to see all these years of sing have not been in vain. Even more, it makes me feel good to know that my High School choir director (Mr. Weigle) was completely WRONG about my talents. Zero for two, Mr Weigle. Maybe you need to be more careful about what you say about people. Some gave up, Jaime and I proved you wrong. Ahhh feels better.


DISCLAIMER:
Remember all comments are only my opinion, I can be wrong.

P.S.

If you are looking for my articles they have moved to my new blog site:

The World As I See It

Enjoy the written articles there. This is only a diary now.

Life is a Cabaret

So I know I have been bad about writing ("I'm sorry." as she cowares in a corner), but I actually have an excuse. I have been trying to have a normal life. Not that normal is all that great. Nor is my life right now. STRESS STRESS STRESS!!! Well I have been moving so that sux. Finally got back online, YES! Then in the middle of it I entered the KWCUSA karaoke contest, not knowing exactly what is was. I thought oh, karaoke contest, let's do something different! Well I was happy to win First place in the qualifing round, GO ME! Then I found out I was going to West Texas Area Finals. OK a little more pressure. I practice all week what I wanted to do, showed up & saw I was the only one in custom. AND MESSED UP MY SONG...and made third place!!! LOL. SO now I am heading to State, which is May 7th. If I make it past that, then off to Regionals on May 8th. After that is Nationals, to compete for a spot on Team USA that goes to Finland in June (?), on May 27th - 28th. So I have to learn two new songs in a week just in case I go to Regional. Truthfully I am very excited. Well I will update later.

Привет Друг

Если Вы можете читать это, то все на этой странице работает право. Я радуюсь получать известие от Вас и не могу ждать, чтобы говорить больше с Вами. В этом пункте я использую программу перевода, чтобы написать. В будущем я надеюсь учиться достаточно, чтобы написать без помощи переводчика и спвак, так же как я пишу. Если Вы знаете английский язык, то пожалуйста напишите по-английски, но если Вы не делаете я переведу лучшее, я могу. Я не могу ждать, чтобы говорить с Вами больше.

Valerie

Mexican Hat Dance

I got in!!! I got my acceptance letter yesterday. Back to college for me. I wrote everyone important to tell them. They seemed happy for me. I know that there were some that thought that I wouldn't do it. I know that I have a slow pace. But all permenant change happens slowly. I have changed. My thoughts have changed. What I want has slightly changed. I am not exactly sure what will happen, but that is how it should be. Not exactly knowing what's around the corner is the spice of life. My life has been filled with one surprise after another. Some good, some bad, but all nesseccary to make me into a better me.

Right Place Wrong Time

I surprise myself sometimes. I was sitting in the karaoke bar the other night and I was thinking about Stone and suddenly I realized that I just didn't care. I mean he wasn't even interesting enough to distract me from the new question. I recently did a search on someone that really meant something to me wen I was a teenager...my first love...my first fiance. I sometimes wonder what happened to him, but never had the gumpsion to go ahead and find him. He wasn't a bad boyfriend, not to say he was a good one either. I mean the up points were that he taught me to love and made me seriously think about the future. The down points was that he had some trouble with me wanting to wait til marriage before sex, and the fact that he fucked my friend because he could not get me. Truely I was not ready for that type of relationship. I mean holy geez I was only 16 years old. Sex was not a priority. I have always been weird, I know. I grew up strict religious, which meant no sex til marriage, and I knew how to deal with my urges. BTW that does not mean masterbation...that is another story. I just always had control over myself in that respect. So as I was saying, I am fickle. I always have been. I get bored easy with common people. I mean Stone had a good run, and I guess I do care. But he is not the one on my mind. I want to find my first love. At one time I heard he married. So the other day on a lark I wondered whatever happened to him... Did some tricks I learned from PI's and found him online...living with another woman...for the last 2 years. So much for marriage. So the next question is what should I do with or even about this information? Truthfully this was the guy I wanted to spend my life with and have children with and the whole nine yards. On the otherhand, he wasn't that great when it came to a serious relationship with me before. On the other hand, I am not asking him for a relationship, just wanna catch up. Decisions decisions decisions...

My good friend from high school, Cyn, said I should just drop it. Leave the past in the past. Sound advice...yet I wonder if the love of her life came walking back in, would he be that easy to turn away? Then again, this isn't walking back in...this is just being available. Part of has been wanting this chance for a long time though. We fucked things up so bad before, and yet loved each other so deeply. I know what you are thinking, if he loved me he wouldn't have fucked around on me. Yet that is slightly flawed thinking...that is the way a woman thinks, not a man. You could see it as him sleeping around was his way of not forcing me. You could look at it as he just wanted a piece and anyone would do. You could look at it from the angle that he just fucked up on a moments weakness. The truth is that I do not know why. I never stopped to ask. I did not see things from the grey...everything then was so black and white. Yet life life is not black & white. Yeah, Cyn, I want to say in advance thanks for the support. I swear if I was born a man that she would be the most awesome woman for me. I am glad we are (still) friends. Cyn, if you are reading, I do not know what I am going to do.

I mean it would not be out of my way to say "Hi" and walk out just as fast. The only way it would be complicated is if he was/is sitting somewhere doing the same thing I am. If he was sitting on the other side of the screen reading this, wondering the same about me. The only tough part would be if he still loved me after all this time. I must quote him, "Love is eternal...if it isn't there in the end then it wasn't there in the beginning." I will always love him. I may not want to be with him, but I will love him. I never wanted to truly believe those words, but he was right. Even through all the bullshit and the lies and the years there is a part of me that never forgot that love. I have been looking for it again in everyone I have ever met. Pain and betrayal taught me never to set my heart on anyone that I had true feelings for because they will always disappoint you. You cannot set you love on a pedistal, for they will fall. I set impossible standards and when he did not measure up we threw it away.

Well I guess that I have made my decision. I will do exactly as I have with all my friends that I looked up. Send a letter, make an offer to try to talk with him...and if he doesn't answer forget about it. The boy I loved is gone. The man may be better, or incredibly worse. Cyn, says "closure" is a psycho-babble word that is nothing but bullshit that we pay someone to tell us. I say since I am walking away from where I come from that the ghost from there I don't want following me. He is a ghost. It's time to put him to rest. I will always remember a boy I loved. A boy that loved doing impressions, that won my heart by making me laugh. He listened to Moody Blues and would sing "Brown-eyed Girl" to me in the car. He loved Star Trek, and playing pool. He loved water skiing, and that skidoo. He had a passion for golf. The years have melted the anger away. I do not hate him. I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for me. Because we did not have it that bad. We made tears out of a relationship that was better than some marriages. I am never sorry I met him or gave my heart. We were in the right place, but it must have been the wrong time. Oh well, Que sera sera...

I Drove All Night

I didn't want to come home tonight. I wanted to stay in the car and come to where you are, knock on the door and say "here I am." If I believed that you would even invite me in, I would have left this minute. I hate you, and I love you...why? I wanna break down and write you, but I know better. If I give in again, you will walk all over me. I just want to cry, and you know how I feel about me crying. I haven't been this sad since I heard you were shipped out to war.

I sang in our new karaoke bar all night. I am friends with the owner and the d.j.'s there. I was talking with the one d.j. that I am closer to and I told her about you. I think she got the message about how I felt about you. I totally melt when I think of you. I just want to forgive everything and ... do you even care what the rest of the sentence states? Do you realize what you are giving up? Do you know what men would give for a woman that is willing to stand by them through everything? Pick them up before they fall... Watch them soar and be willing to let them go, if it made them happy... Do you know what that is worth? You are spending your life searching for nothing and finding just that. When given a pearl you cast it amoug the swine. What are you afraid of? I have been waiting for 3 words...and not "I love you." I know you are more afraid of those words then "Stick'em up."

I just thought we were happy together. You always perked up when I was around. Your eyes smiled and you lit up when I came into the room. You said you felt at home, or did you forget so soon? I wish I could just confront you face to face. So you would say it to my face, that I mean nothing. I need to hear that from you. I need you tell me that everything was a lie. But you won't, because I can rely on the fact you are unreliable.

I give up, I have to write anyway. I give in. I am nothing.

Happy Birthday to me

With my 29th Birthday upon me I decided to make a few changes. I lightened my hair to a respectable colour. I pierced my ears. Got some makeup and look so fab! My mother even approved, and trying to get approval from her is like getting blood from a stone. I look great, feel great, and in general happy. Yet I feel there is someone missing in my happiness. He missed anpther birthday. It's ok. Not like he would come. I am going out with some guys tonight. IT'S KARAOKE TIME!!! I wish.... No if I say what I wish it won't come true. Yet, dear reader, if you you know me you know in my heart what I really wish for. Hope everyone has a bright shiny day.

My Immortal

Why does he press on my mind? Can you tell me God? I am so sick of being there for him. Yet trying to pull away hurts more. I guess I really did fall fo rhim. Really it's a shame. A waste of time playing a greyhound. I will never catch that rabbit. I mean even when he was around I felt bad because I knew he was leaving soon. Yet the peace of having a friend and compaion that I understand and trust has always been worth my time.

Can't Get You Out of My Head

I just woke up. Because he was there. I miss Stone. Why did I ever share a piece of my soul with you? Why did you have to fit so perfectly in my life? Why did you have to go and be perfect for me? The more I try to push your memory away, the more I wish to be with you. My mother says that is what a soulmate is? "Soulmates?" Us? Sure just because we have similar opinions on everything, and we fit each others ideas on what a perfect match would be and want the same goals in life. Respect each other when we we don't respect many people. We trust each other completely. Does that mean that we are soulmates? Does that mean that we could be happy with each other when everyone else completely bores us? Well maybe I could believe it if I knew you were dreaming about me too. I have never been so happy with or scared of one person in my life. I mean when I lived in the middle of a gang war, with bullets flying everyday. People dying in front of me, blood on the tenament walls (that had to be washed everyday). Watching crack addicts smoke up while I walked to my bus, and had to be careful not to get shot by the police... I was never afraid. I wasn't afraid the guns and drugs, and gang bangers, or the cops. But I look into his eyes and become afraid because I see a future with someone that brings my choas a calm, even for a few minutes. The thing that scares me the most is the fact I sense the same. I mean when I see us abandon the tough exteriors, and see us what be described as "at play," I feel scared. I have never just sat in a room alone with anyone, and just roll around and laugh at tv show. Yet with him I have. I am happy. I mean I have seen the pictures, I have never smiles bigger. Plus I have never seen you smile bigger. I make him happy too. I hate it when he is this stubborn. Yet I understand it, because I can be the same way. The difference? I learned to live through the storms you have bend like the reed. I am strong, I can make my own decisions. I can stand by myself, but you make it a little happier place to be. It's that a good thing? Isn't that something you would want to? You told me you did. I could almost understand someone taking drugs about now. Just a few seconds of peace. The same seconds I found with you. That is all I want. Yet I know that that is not the answer. I am willing though to put my pride aside and admit that I need Stone in my life. I need him. Oh my god why do I need him? Why do I need someone to scared to try? Of all his dreams that he had shared I don't see any of them happening, because you have to try. You have to take that step outside of your safty zone and be willing to take a chance. Be willing to fail. Be willing to watch your dreams be torn apart. Be ready to close down shop. Yet also be ready when you exceed beyond your wildest dreams. I have never understood why men were attracted to me. But now I think I understand a little. I see that within me I have a need to help my mate succeed, exceed, and be exactly what they need. I have hope in hopelessness. Some part of them longs to be lifted by a person like me. I don't put them on a pedistal. I will not make a man my god. But I will stand by him and reach for the stars with him. I will promote him, and give him his dreams, wants and desires. Many men find that attractive. To bad nearly all men bore me. What is a greater shame is the the one that doesn't has his head up his ass. I mean I am sorry, but if you find someone that you can be around for years and you have found a way that everytime you are with them that life feels exciting and new, then why wouldn't you be with them. You find someone that quites the storm. You find someone that you can "play" with, and you don't try? You would rather stay with boring whores that mean absolutely nothing, just because you are afraid to fail? I can't do that. I will never marry, unless it is him. I can't do it. I can't give anyone else that love. I can't give my all to someone that cannot capture me completely. I will resent that person for trying to make me. I will resent the obligation to that man. I would walk through the fire with the right person and never think I made a mistake. I have found the "ONE." And he found me. And I have put my fears aside that he won't be like all those other assholes and go breaking my heart. He has hurt me, but my heart has been safe. Maybe it is that I accept that exactly how he is. I see full well his faults and find that is alright. Despite all his fault, they are big, I love him still. I still feel that something beautiful can come of us be together. I have faith in him. If I never am with him, I can still live. I have the peace within me to know I have truely loved. If he never fulfills my dreams, I will live. I can now handle being without him. I just do not want to be with him. I can see be with him. I can see that life would be hard, and it would sometime be unsure and unsettling. Yet I know that because of the peace I found with him that when we are alone that peace will be there. And sure we would fight sometimes, yet I know that we could not go to bed angry. I have thought like that before. I have never thought it was possible to have that. I have never felt it. I was with the guys I was with because they wanted me, and I was bored. Now I have found someone that I am completely compatable with and I am scared too. But I have faith. Faith in God, faith in myself, faith in Stone. Of course I have seen past the stone and found a warm loving heart waiting, scared alone. I have seen the child inside and craddled him. I have held him. I have loved him. I do love him. Oh god I am so scared, and my biggest fear is that he loves me too. I mean where would we go from there? I need to be with him, and he love me, he would need me to. I'll tell you why I won't move to where he is. I am scared to uproot my life for him and it be a waste. Why didn't I leave that one person I was dating for a while, because why would I leave someone that cared for someone that didn't? Why throw my life into upheaval to be cast aside. All I ever wanted was a little assurance, assurance I never had. All I ever needed was these words "I want you to ("fill-in-the-blanks"). Just the words "I want you" and anything else would be done in a second. If it were in my ability to give I would. I am such a fool, but I am happy. Or maybe I am a fool. Yet I would rather be that fool and have my dream then a fool lost in a nightmare. So I can't get you out my head. You know I am going to stop complaining about it, and be happy that you are there. So we are not together. I have the knowledge that for moment in my life, no matter how small it was, I had the "one" that was perfect for me. Many will die without that feeling. Some will never feel that perfect moment of peace being with someone else, but I had it. I had my dream. I will take that with me. Even though I had to you behind. I want to talk to you so bad. I want to write. I want you in my life. But I cannot bend this time. I cannot! I want to, but want your continued respect. Maybe in time you will see what you are missing. Maybe I will receive an empty e-mail. All I would need is the action. The first step. The acknowledgement that I am important to him. Men do not like to do that, but sometimes it is needed. I really should stop writing.

Waking Up Alone

You even have a gnawing in your stomach. Well I do. It's bad. In my email I got to reciept for my Valentine's Day postcard to Stone. I wonder if he did that on purpose. He knows that I always have a receipt sent, but he just has to open it first. So the question lies has he just now opened to make me think that he finally has gotten online (knowing that I when I blow up on him that that is a way yo get me to talk to him again) or has he just waited to open it? He knows me too well. He is the only person I have really let in. He knows that I cannot stay mad if I think that he just hasn't been able to get online to send anything to me. However the logical side of me states that if he really did go back to college he has free access, and has just decided to now let me know he is around to that I will come running back. As much as he knows that I love him and want to be with him, I will stay away. As much as the question burns for an answer... I must hold out. As much as it tortures me. I must hold on. Things were going fine til today. I wasn't thinking of him so much and working on erasing him my mind. Although I were the cross, mainly I have wore it so long that I feel naked without it. I even thought about sending him all his pics or burn them even. Yet I realized that that would be stupid. He was a part of my life and will always be a part of my heart, though I dare not speak of it. His departure does not change my plans for my life. Although it may have changed where I start it again. I hate to lose such a close friend, but the heartbreak of his carelessness is to overbaring on me. I miss him dearly though. I sometimes wonder what he would say if he ever came upon this. Probably laugh at my foolishness. After all any feelings to him are foolishness. I would rather be a fool who has loved, than be a fool afraid to love.

Funny lately all the titles recently have been song titles, some of you might say. Well if you look up the songs, or know them, then you would see how the song is just a reflection of my mind. Music is a big influence with me. Music sets the tone of my day. I use it to express my feelings and thoughts.

Brand New Day

Well it's been two days since I have made my decision. I have been thinking about everything that has happened to me in the last 13 years and I really see where I went wrong. I trusted other people with decisions. I made the decisions but I let other people influence what I wanted. Let them talk me out of things, talk me into things, and all those things where not good for me. Yet I trusted them and/or their years and believed that they might know something. I forgot that everyone is out for their own best interest. With certain people it has been abundantly clear that everyone has their own agenda and I am either a stepping stone or a desire unrealized. The problem with both is that my happiness is never considered or really cared about. Everyone wants what they want. I am tired of that. I am tired of being a good person. I am tired of caring for others wants and how we "can work together" to get what we want. Everyone, even the sweetest nicest people, just uses you to get something. Usually it is their own happiness. You see there are two types of people in this world, the ones that true care of others and the ones that will use as many to get what they want. Worse of all I can even almost understand the kind of person that uses to get what they need, but I find that it is not that they need something; it is just something that they want. I am the kind of person who will get what they need but will give in trade. I can no longer allow myself to be that way. Most people do not deserve it and all people will walk on you because they can. I shake my head in disappointment at what I have seen our people become. I have lost faith in humanity.

Sue me

I just did the hardest thing I have ever done. I wrote Stone and told him, I was done with all this. That if he needed a friend let me know (he won't). He isn't like that. But it was a gesture. I told him if he got his life together... well you don't to hear it all. When I was writing I was listening to a "Guys & Dolls" song. I realized that I was ready to cry. Because I as much as I love him I can't go on with this once in a blue moon relationship. I am better than that. I deserve someone that will show he loves me. Not just try to screw me when he wants a change, if I wanted that I would married. If you can't tell men have done me wrong. Funny thing, he still my most trusted friend. At least he never lied to me, he just used me. He will always have my heart, but I have to go on. I mean he first and last person that enters my mind every day. I wish him all that life and love can give him, that he will except of course. I have decided that I will never marry again. Mainly I could never give my heart to guy that would want marry me. I can't give what I don't have. I have given my heart 3x's. First time was my ex-boyfriend Teague. I wanted to marry him, but he screwed it up with fucking my friends and a few girls I didn't know. Then I gave it to my ex-husband David. My first everything, and I mean everything if you know what I mean. Too bad he fucked my friend(?) and beat when when I objected to him doing it. Now "Stone" stole my heart, and hasn't had the decency to give it back. I always wondered why he just never said he didn't want it. I did tell him that if he didn't want me or anything, all he had to do is say so. I can handle rejection. But he never done that. I can't handle always on a string. I need more. I would be faithful and love him forever if he once he said that he loved me. Not elude to it, and act like it...all I want is one word, or even a "I want (me) <fill in the blank>."

Without Love (where would you be?)

I have been sitting here thinking... one of the perfect song the sums up my feelings, I guess that would be it. I have been struggling with a decision of how to tell Stone that I want to be released for our promises without hurting his feelings. Half of my says fuck his feels he has cared about yours. On the otherhand he has been a trusted friend whom I loved dearly. The problem really lies in the fact that I really want a future with him, but he isn't there yet. So once I again do I stand back and hope? or say screw it, because any guy that doesn't just jump for me isn't worthy of me. I mean (***ego speaking***) I have had guys say that they should have gotten with me and watch them verbally kick themself when they realized it. That always feels good to remember. Always the romantic I see beauty in this tragety. I hold to specific moments that define my worth. Like the time when my friend Erik, whom I had a thing for for the longest time, had just found out that his 18 year old ex-girlfriend was pregnant (btw he was like 32). And it looked like the cancer had came back. I would sit and talk with him for hours. One day he turned to me and said, "Val I should be having this baby with you." "I should have gotten you pregnant." That will fuck your head for a moment, then I saw the beauty in the thought. He thought so much of me, that to share what was a precious idea (in his mind) with me really meant so very much. I define myself by the tears in men's eyes when they realize that they want to stay with me, then run off. I can't get used to that. See a man cry because they realize that I was such a good choice and right in front of them. And yet when they realize it it is to too late.

My heart grows ever colder toward Stone everyday. It is sad when you know in your heart that you have finally found your perfect match. Someone that is passionate, yet so cold. Someone that is outgoing, yet wants to be alone. Someone that just fits your wants and desires and goals and everything that you are ans want to share, rolled up into one person that is a complete compliment...and then watch them be about 5 years in growth behind you. In the same state of heart that you were and still too scared to believe that someone could be their match and and never leave them or hurt them. He is the only person I never tired of. Then if was truly true then why am I tired of him now? The answer? Because I can no longer take the sadness that loving him means. I cannot take the waiting, for him to realize. I mean it is only thing when a guy that I liked finally breaks down (even after a year) and says that he should have been with me. But I have waited 3 years for that realization. Some part o me would wait 300 years to look into his eyes and see that realization. I love that look becauses it at that moment when when it dawn on a man, that all that searching and disappointment could have been spared if they just saw what was in front of them all along. The trick for that is for the guy to hit the wall. Stone may not have hit that wall yet. The question is can I wait for that moment and be ready to hold him up when he lie bleeding. Before I would have jumped and said yes, but now I don't know.

I have been holding a secret. I am ready to have a child. Or at least I thought I was. I was going to ask Stone to be the father. I know crazy chick that thing happening. I just want to be able to have a child and not be in my 50's (or older) watching him graduate high school. My biological clock was switch on alarm and it has been going off for the last 3 months now (about to look for a hammer to shut it off). Yet I have been thinking the last few days. What will I say when the child turns to me and asks "Mommy why aren't you and daddy together?" "Mommy where is my daddy?" "Mommy why didn't he love us to stay?" I cannot bare the thought of that childs eyes just because I want to have a baby, and know that his father would never be there. I harbor no illusion about the fact that he would want nothing to do with me or our child. I now realize that as much as I want my baby, that I would be doing that child such a great disservice to have him without a loving father in his life. BTW I always wanted little boys, I love little boys...little girls are to prissy. LOL. I do not want to see my little man grow up with a good father/husband role model. So squash the idea of having a baby, and time to face reality.

I am woman running close to 30, with no hope of finding what I want. All I have ever wanted was a family. Call me old-fashion, but I wanted a husband and 4 sons (maybe give in and have a daughter), the house, the cars, the playset in the backyard, the cat, the dog, the fish, the work from home job so I can be mom, the husband that works hard for his family; and even if we didn't have much still give our children all the love and happiness that money can't buy. Yet this is not my life. I have lost all hope in having it. Now the best I can hope for is to get my degree and find a small nitch in life. Buy my own little house...have my own little car...have my cat. Make life good for me & the people in it, and be alone.

I think I just need to give up. My mother should have named me Jude. Because I was never one to give up, even on lost causes. Now I think I just need to give up. Give up hope on love. Give up hope that anyone but me will ever truly care for me. Give up that anything I want will happen. And realize that this what I have and may never be more than that. Realize that I had my glimpse of happiness with someone that truly was my match will never be more than that... a small wink in my life. Realize that noone will ever give me the life I wanted. That you can be considered (and I was a long time ago) the most beautiful person and no one will love you. That if you are beautiful that you will be left broken and alone. I think I just don't want to be a wonderful person and be alone. Wonderful, beautiful people are lonely. They are used and cast aside. But I cannot be what I am not. I cannot be someone that is uncaring, uncompassionate, undevoted, unloving, icy stone-hearted bitch. I can't do it. I am reminded of what a great writer wrote, "To thine own self be true." So now it is time to be true to myself with these words to help me along the way...

God grant me
the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference;

Living one day at a time;
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it:

Trusting that you will make all things right
if I surrender to your will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with you forever in the next.

Dr. Reinhold Neibuhr - 1926

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Well it is the day before Valentine's Day, and I am so bored. I have someone on my mind and can't get ahold of that person. I hope they are ok. I wonder if they even understand that I am alive and have feelings? Who knows. Right about now don't care.

Running Barefoot

Why does it feel like I am running barefoot in the dark? I have felt this way all my life. One of my favorite poems is Footprints (in the Sand). But instead of being with Jesus, and watching my life, it is I am alone on a beach at night during high tide. No moon, nor lamplight to guide me, just me and the beach and the tides. With the tide comes broken glass onto the shore. Written on each piece of glass is a name or event, and all my life I have been running on the beach trying to avoid the glass. Sometimes it nicks me, sometimes I get a deep cut. Sometimes I am able to avoid it all together, but always when I think that I have gotten past the glass shards, the tide washes in new glass, or needles, or other harmful waste. I guess I am thinking so much on it is because I thought of the piece of glass that cut the most... He cut so deep that my heart bleed so bad.

Funny But it Seems....

I just don't get it. I don't get why certain people still bother me. You would think that "Goodbye" actually would mean goodbye, not "well untill I next feel like writing." You know that was the nicest 2-3 weeks of peace I have gotten. I actually thought it would be a month. The only thing that really bothers me is that they think I am complimenting them by not calling them an asshole or fuck-nut. Try to be nice about things and the freaks take it as encouragement. I mean how do you even tell someone that you think they need real help without saying, "hey you fucking dip-shit get a shrink before the court commits you." My problem is that I am too nice. I know what you are saying that bitch has a nice streak? Sure do, right next to the bitch stripe!

Hapy New Year and all that good stuff

Well SSDD, that even applies to new years.. so more appropriate SSDY. New news, I am still single. No wedding band for me. I think maybe that is best. I am holding out the right guy. Actually I know who that is, the problem is him. He doesn't get it. Oh well, maybe in time. Then again how much time should I give him? Who knows. I know I am late with this one, but I have been BUSY!!!! I have no idea when I an going to have time to write more regularly. BTW, Mr. Man... Why are you still writing me? And reading my blogs? Why is it that the guy you do want stops paying attention to you and they guy that you wish would go away won't? This is one thing I just don't get. You like someone. They like you. They get scared of a relationship and run from you then some dip-wad runs up and professes undying love. And all you want is for him to die so you are in a dilemma. Now the one you are crazy about is in the Boston Marathon of No-committal, and you are like was it something I said. Actually it is...the words "I like you too."