Fast Times

Well the end of the year is rapidly approaching and I have taken up learning a foreign language again. The worse part about it is that I still can barely speak it, but I understand it very well. Writing it? Oh heavens no. Truely I hate that. What is the point of knowing something that I can barely use. I have a friend that can help out but good luck on that one. As all my friends go, helping me with something that is majorly important to me is like handing superman kryptonite. The only friends that I have that even attempt to help usually can't help in the area I need. Vicious circle isn't it? So anyway, Christmas has come and gone, and as uneventful as ever. New Year's Eve should be better, but then again how can it be worse. Truthfully I am missing my friends and wish that I was closer. Especially this time of year. It makes you remember how important these people are in your life. You think of all the fun times you had going muddin (yes, I know I am a texan now), dancing, skating... Friends are the people who shape you and help you when times are bad. They are the sting that makes our knitting complete. I want all my friends out there that you are the most special people in the world to me. You know how you are, but you are the extended family that I am happy to know. I love you guys. Talk to you all soon.

Happy Birthday Baby

Well today is my older son's birthday. It is also Stone's birthday too. Because my crazy asshole ex-husband, I won't even get to see my son. Stone on the other has has gotten in a bit of trouble. So I won't be seeing either today. I woke up this morning with a headache. It feels like what they call a hangover. My head is swimming in pain. Since I have never had a hangover, I am only guessing. The pain is slowly subsiding. I slept 12 hours straight. I am incredibly sad today. I got a letter from my friend back home today, and it amazes me how similar our life is. The are very few differences. We married the same type of guy, we fell for the same type of guy, we even have found "other" and he is the same type of guy. We have had the same problems over the years. We enjoy a lot the same things. And I find it funny that even though, yes we were a bit alike in high school (enough to be friends), that now we so like we are almost twins. We have lived parallel lives and we haven't spoke in 13 years. I see a book here! :) We will see. Otherwise today has started in the dumps. I may actually go out tonight though. I could use a little music and fun. Stone would want me to celebrate his birthday. I sometime wonder if it would have better if he had died also in that accident. The grief of not knowing anything of how he is sometimes overwhelming. If he had just died, I could take flowers to his grave today, light candle and pray for him. This is worse than that. I was going to delete this whole section, in case he ever read it, but I won't. This is how it feels. This what pain a person will go through when their closest bestfriend is in trouble and won't let them help. Sure if I were a man I would probably be in the gym and punching some bags or running. But I am a woman and I deal with my feelings, and these are tearing me apart. Coupled with what my ex has done, and I am an emotional wreck. The funny thing is that only here would you see that. Only here does anyone see what is going on inside. In the real world I am a strong, carefree woman with a smile on my face. In my cave (here) I show my pent up emotions and true feels about everything. Here I can say Stone is a piece of crap that can't deal with the fact that he has exactly what he wants, but is to afraid to grab the brass ring. The reason he pushs away is the fact that somewhere deep inside he is scared of hurt and rejection. That somehow I will change if we got more serious. That somehow I will turn into that bitch was engaged to. That he will find me in bed with someone else. That won't happen, unless it was a hot chick and she was there for us both. We have wild fantasies, sorry to offend but not really. It is for him to get the fact that I am not like other women he has met. Sure he says that, and that I could never be like them. Yet inside he so scared that I will be. OMG just admit it. There is a reason why you are so scared of me. It's because I am already inside you. You built the Burlin Wall around your heart and I made it past. I will never ask for him to come back. I had found what I am looking for. If I never have it I won't die of a broken heart. I will miss him, but I know life goes on.

It's Me Again Margert

So I have been touring the karaoke rooms, and I have learned something. No point in being original, because I get copied. If they know the name of the song they start singing it. The second thing I have learned is that my voice appeals to people all over the world. I also received an e-mail from my ex about "bringing his parents into it." Babe you brought them into our bedroom, so I brought it out that children are a road map of their parents. If aren't that good, it is because of what they taught you. I think I will finally take my friend's advise and record myself. That would be nice. Then I can say besides being ordained, have a doctorate in divinity, being a published poet, that I am a recorded artist. LOL!!!

The real good news is that I found a friend of from high school. It has taken me over 10 years to do it, but it is great to finally hear from her.

Oh Brother

I received a reply from my ex-, about my last blog, talking about how proud he was at my "spiritual growth." Gee wiz mister man, I guess I am getting to be more of what you want, let's forget that we are divorced. NEWS FLASH ASSHOLE, I have never changed! The problem with my ex- is that after he got to know me well enough know he wanted to marry me, then he stopped listening to anything I said. My opinions did not matter so I stopped giving them. Example, I bought curtins for the kitchen. He never walked in the kitchen except to raid the fridge. Yet when he FINALLY noticed the curtains he complained that I made a decision without getting approval and that even though he liked the curtains he wanted them down. My opinion is and has also been not to "cast pearls before swine." He always had the belief that because I was a woman that I have no wisdom, knowledge, intelligence, or anything important to say. I blame this on his parenting. The doting mother that was treated less than human by their father. From what I gather even from the father before they met she was a vibrant beautiful smart woman with many opinions. His abuse and refusal to see her as his partner, along with breaking her will, has made her into little more than a lump of baby-making flesh. I have seen that look in her eyes, the look of a wild stallion that broke so hard that it's eye are empty where fire once blazed. I have seen the way her own children belittle her importance, as if the little shits would have been born without her. The role of woman is just as important as a man. He created one for the other. To be a help-mate. To be the "other-half." HE gave her a brain to think...a heart to give compassion and love...arms to carry...hands to hold...to right organs to bring forth and sustain life...legs to walk beside or on her own...two feet to stand on... Woman is God's greatest gift to man, yet he treats it like trash. To be used, abuse, spent, wasted and thrown away. To the few that actually see how fragile and precious woman really is, I applaud you. Just because we woman are a gift doesn't mean that you can use it as you wish..we are not a inanimate gift, we are living beings. Amazing enough we can think. Amazing enough before we meet men we thought, looked after, maintained, and myriad of other thing BY OURSELVES!!! We developed whole personalities. OMG!!! I know what you are thinking, that is unbelievable! It is true! So maybe, just maybe all this "growth" that you see is just the first time you stopped to see that I have a mind, thoughts, ideas, hopes, wishes, and desires that you never bothered to ask about or considered. That before I knew you I had taken care of myself, and grown up into who I was. Just because I am seven years younger doesn't mean I was seven years old when we were together. What you don't know about me would fill the great library of Alexandra, and like the morons that burned that great city you will never get to learn from me in a way that might have changed you also. I stopped telling you about me when you stopped listening. So if this is a giant revelation to you, then that only shows how much you never knew me. I have not changed. My faith has never changed. My beliefs have never changed. The only thing that has changed is the fact that you were forced to listen for once. So your "pride" for me means nothing. Save it for when your shrink tells you that you have made progress with your abuse issues. I don't need or want your acceptance. I accept, like and love myself.

Missing You Stone

It has been almost a year since the last time you held me. A year since our last kiss. I will always love you and adore you. I will always wait for the word from you. I keep the necklace, a silver eastern orthodox cross with the Russian inscription ("Save and Protect"), in remembrance. I know that this love is vain. But it seems to be lot in life to be lovelorn. I accept the fact that in my heart I love you the way your mother loved her first husband. I accept the fact that you could not love anyone beyond yourself. Yet my heart waits for you, and my head is moving on. One word, and my engagement would have been off. One word and I would follow you to the ends of the earth and back again. But I know that that word will never come. So I will tell you what I was going to give you for your wedding present. The gift to the groom from the bride. For I know that you will never marry me, although we both know that I am the one that has ever accepted you for EXACTLY who you. My gift to you was going to be a two partner. Part one, for go the big wedding and elope...if nothing more to piss off your parents, like we had spoke of before... Part two, two words Bunny Ranch. Remember when we jokingly said yeah run off to Nevada...and stop at the bunny ranch for fun. I was going to treat you on our wedding night to the bunny ranch. I know with you fidelity no longer means anything, so I would never ask it of you. If you ever choose to give it to me, it would be a warm loving gift that I would not refuse. Yet I would stay faithful to you. For no man can have my heart, but you. And no man has ever captured my desires like you. You are best friend, my lover, and I could never ask for more. You accept me, I accept you. I want what you want. I am not clouded by my love, but am truly madly deeply in love. I am in so deep that it does not phase me. All you ever have had to do is say something. Say you want me. That you want me with you. Not just you want me around so you can have someone to hang with, get drunk with, have orgies with. Just say ONCE, and I would never ask again, that you want me to be with you. ONCE! Just say, that you and me. I mean I can see a lifetime of fun, sex, everything. I would never ask much of you, for I know your capabilities, I know I never need to ask. I mean you accept that fact that though I was abused and raped that I enjoyed sex with you. I never enjoyed sex so much as when I was with you. Then again I never really enjoyed sex. I never felt anything during sex. The idea of a mind-blowing orgasm has never moved me. But loving you makes me feel like I am drowning. From the first time you hugged me and I breathed you in to the last goodbye. You saturate me in passion that is better than any drink. It was more than just pleasing you and moving on. It honestly felt like you drank in the ecstasy of me also. That is why I like being with you. Funny I could never say this to your face, or in any other way. Somehow I feel deep inside you feel something to. From the way your eyes twinkle when I say Hi, to how sad you look when you would leave. It just feels right, to be together. It is weird. It's like we have always been together. I do believe in soul mates, I just never though before that you would be one. You are a surprise and breath of fresh air. And you are acting a fool to give exactly what you always wanted up. I am a fool to not take my heart away. Maybe you should just tell me. Am I a fool? You promised me honesty. So far you have been honest. Except for one thing... when we first started talking you wrote me a poem in a letter about love and accepting or denying it with grace... you have never denied it. You have said that you didn't want to hurt me by falling and out of love with me, which I said first, that I didn't want to hurt you... Actually my exact words were "each other"...I felt we wouldn't want to hurt each other by one of us falling out of love and being to afraid to tell the other, and start lying & cheating behind the other's back and eventually be caught, and crush the other. I was scraed. I was scared because was I knew I loved you and thought that you would leave me. I know that you are scared to love again and have some bitch do what your last fiancee did. But I heard this riddle and I think it applies...A man searchs the world to find what he needs, and returns home to find it. I am home. I am the home you like to come to. I am the home you found peace and accpetance in. That scares you more than anything. But I wait. I am not going to marry him. As much as I know he would love me forever and try to make me happy. I cannot give him what he wants... for you have it. And maybe I should have told you this before. And may be too late. You may have fucked yourself to good. But if will have me, I would come to you if you were 10 miles away or 10, 000 miles away. Don't urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Where you go I will go and where you stay I will stay. Your home would be my home. Your people would be my people. Where you die I will die and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me. For I would till you bid me to go. My heart will always be with you, until YOU tell me not to love you. Till YOU tell me to stop waiting. For once stop leaving me in the air. Just tell me the truth. Like your poem says, take my love and graciously give it back...if you don't want my heart, then give it back so I can give it to someone else that wants it. I cannot marry him unless you give it back. And I won't marry him unless you bid me to, and give your blessing. And if the thought of me with someone else pisses you off, if the thought of forever without me brings such emotions in you, then it is time to stop talking and just go with it. Damn it, if those thoughts provoke you like I have seen them, then walk up and kiss me and never let me go. Otherwise, I beg you... if I mean nothing to you, please let my heart go. Please give it back. I don't beg, but I do plead most ernestly... love me or let me go. Please. Good night sweet prince. Ponder these words, and forget the past. Be fair and honest, and dream on these things. Let your heart answer for your head, and forget you wits and sensiblities and mind your heart. Do not let the golden apple pass you by because you feel you deserve a bitter plum. Good night sweet prince. Leave your cunning and fears behind, and sleep with me in our bed of laurels, and let me dote on you. Let me give you your desires. Good night sweet love, and think not on what has been but what can be. And know my heart is true, my mind is clear, my eyes are open, and my body willing. Good night.