Happy Birthday Baby

Well today is my older son's birthday. It is also Stone's birthday too. Because my crazy asshole ex-husband, I won't even get to see my son. Stone on the other has has gotten in a bit of trouble. So I won't be seeing either today. I woke up this morning with a headache. It feels like what they call a hangover. My head is swimming in pain. Since I have never had a hangover, I am only guessing. The pain is slowly subsiding. I slept 12 hours straight. I am incredibly sad today. I got a letter from my friend back home today, and it amazes me how similar our life is. The are very few differences. We married the same type of guy, we fell for the same type of guy, we even have found "other" and he is the same type of guy. We have had the same problems over the years. We enjoy a lot the same things. And I find it funny that even though, yes we were a bit alike in high school (enough to be friends), that now we so like we are almost twins. We have lived parallel lives and we haven't spoke in 13 years. I see a book here! :) We will see. Otherwise today has started in the dumps. I may actually go out tonight though. I could use a little music and fun. Stone would want me to celebrate his birthday. I sometime wonder if it would have better if he had died also in that accident. The grief of not knowing anything of how he is sometimes overwhelming. If he had just died, I could take flowers to his grave today, light candle and pray for him. This is worse than that. I was going to delete this whole section, in case he ever read it, but I won't. This is how it feels. This what pain a person will go through when their closest bestfriend is in trouble and won't let them help. Sure if I were a man I would probably be in the gym and punching some bags or running. But I am a woman and I deal with my feelings, and these are tearing me apart. Coupled with what my ex has done, and I am an emotional wreck. The funny thing is that only here would you see that. Only here does anyone see what is going on inside. In the real world I am a strong, carefree woman with a smile on my face. In my cave (here) I show my pent up emotions and true feels about everything. Here I can say Stone is a piece of crap that can't deal with the fact that he has exactly what he wants, but is to afraid to grab the brass ring. The reason he pushs away is the fact that somewhere deep inside he is scared of hurt and rejection. That somehow I will change if we got more serious. That somehow I will turn into that bitch was engaged to. That he will find me in bed with someone else. That won't happen, unless it was a hot chick and she was there for us both. We have wild fantasies, sorry to offend but not really. It is for him to get the fact that I am not like other women he has met. Sure he says that, and that I could never be like them. Yet inside he so scared that I will be. OMG just admit it. There is a reason why you are so scared of me. It's because I am already inside you. You built the Burlin Wall around your heart and I made it past. I will never ask for him to come back. I had found what I am looking for. If I never have it I won't die of a broken heart. I will miss him, but I know life goes on.