Oh Boy

Marriage from the past

So I ran into another old friend on line and can guess what is comming...Hey V. I got married. So it is about totally offical that everyone I know is married. So the tables have turned... It used to be I was married and everyone I knew was single. I guess it is funny and strange at the same time. Truthfully I could be married right now. But as I was telling my friend today, I only want to marry a guy that I am totally sure that is right for me and I am totally right for him. Until that time I cannot do it again. I won't make that same mistake just because I was lonely or someone thinks it is right for me. I think the picture in a way shows what I would like. Handfastenings are a probably one of the most interesting wedding rituals ever invented. Now take in mind that they were done for hundreds of years before & after Christianity came to places like modern day Great Britian. Ok so here are the basics. You meet someone and you want to get married, but you are unsure...so you go down to your local whatever and have a handfastening. It is like a marriage ceremony, and for intents and purposes you are married and are to act like it for a year (or another agreed upon time... in years) and after that year (or so) you go back to the priest or whatever and have another ceremony and are forever married or if it totally sucked than you just part ways and like you are not married anymore and you were not considered divorced so you could marry again in the church. OMG that is awesome. We have that today it's called marriage & annualment or the oh so famous hollywood marriages. Think how much the divorce rate would plummet if we made handfastenings legal. After a year or three you can say I can't stand this asshole/bitch fuck it let's not make it offically forever. It would make people who are sincere about marrying bonds stronger. For all those that found out it wasn't for them, then no harm no foul...it just didn't work out.

So besides all that, I have been thinking also. I have wore many rings but there is only one that I really want... The one from him (aka "you"..aka Stone the hard-hearted). Well Stone you will never get it will you? I was serious. I thought you were too. You gave all the signals to everyone but never said too many words. I guess I will never understand the way things are. All I know is that I love you Stone. In a strange way the things you have done says that you love me too. Although you say that it is to protect me, I don't want it. I would rather spend a hour in the sun with you and be alive, then hidden in shadows and silently with you forever. I wish you could understand that.

Well kiddies, I should go. Nothing else seems right to say.

Yes I am still here

SO as you can tell I made it through the night. Amazing what a little tequila can do for a headache. So I made some decision that I know will piss off more than one person. I have decided single is the way to be. I am going to wait. It is going to take a lot to replace the one great love in my life and until I can find what I found in one person again, I think I will be staying by myself. It wouldn't be fair to anyone else in my life if I didn't. I am not foolish enough to think that he will be coming back to me. He walked out a second time, and that is enough for me. I will always want him back, but that is more than I can hope for ever again. If you are reading this and YOU know who YOU are. I still think about that weekend I came up and we almost got that Applebee's waitress back to the hotel, that was fun. How come we never did try that again? I never met anyone that was so fun to be with and accepted me for me. I can accept people for themselves, but try to find one that accepts me? That is amazing. What I loved best about us was as much as we loved each other and yet were so not attached. I mean I loved the sex, but I could do with out or you as long as needed. It was special to me and yet not a biggie. Wow I miss BS'ing with you. Talking about sluts. Having fun. Drinking, dancing, everything in between. You totally messed me up. You gave me my dream. A lover and a friend. You fucking twink. I hate you and love you. Hope I can replace you with someone even better. Well I am tired of talking. You all enjoy your day. Later. Alsu to follow, the new song for today.

"Old Souls" from Phantom of the Paradise (to Stone... I still love you)

Our love is an old love
It's older than all our years
I have seen in strange young eyes
Familiar tears

We're old souls in a new life baby
They gave us a new life
To live and learn
Some time to touch old friends
And still return

Our paths have crossed and parted
This love affair was started
Long, long ago
This love survives the ages
In its story lives are pages
Fill them up, may ours tum slow

Our love is a strong love, baby
We give it all
And still receive
And so with empty arms
We must still believe

All souls last forever
So we need never fear goodbye
A kiss when I must go
No tears, in time, we kiss hello

Phantom's Theme (Beauty and the Beast)

Half asleep I hear a voice
Is it only in my mind
Or is it someone calling me someone I failed and left behind

To work it out I let them in
All the good guys and the bad guys that I've been
All the devils that disturbed me and the angels that defeated them somehow
Come together in me now

Face to face I greet the cast
Set in silence we begin
Companions in an empty room I taste their victory and sin

To work it out I let them in
All the good guys and the bad guys that I've been
All the devils that disturbed me and the angels that defeated them somehow
Come together in me now

A tale of beauty and the beast
I defend my soul from those who would accuse me
I share the famine and the feast
I have been the world and felt it turning seen the jester yearning to amuse me

Like a circus on parade
Seldom close enough to see
I wander through an angry crowd and wonder what became of me

To work it out I let them in
All the good guys and the bad guys that I've been
All the devils that disturbed me and the angels that defeated them somehow
Come together in me now

SSDD

So here I am alone. I am so sick of this life I live. I am so tired of fighting. I have this stupid song in my head. It's called "phantom's Theme" from Phantom of the Paradise. It pulls at my heart. I have all this pain inside. I hate all this. I can't take it. I trying to make people happy, and all I get is shit. The truely said thing is that I can't even cry anymore. My tears well up and do not fall. I get these headaches from it. The stress is horrible. And I can feel my heart being ripped out. but it's not the pain of one time, but the collection of everytime it has ever happened in an endless loop. It's like I can feel everyone that is hurt and has ever been hurt. All of it baring down on me. If I thought sucide was an answer I would do it. I have lost the passion inside. The flame is died and I am so empty. And I know there is only one place, one person in this world that I have ever found peace in. And there is no way I can ever be with him. No happiness that exudes from being in his presence. And I know that this feel will never end.