Mexican Hat Dance

I got in!!! I got my acceptance letter yesterday. Back to college for me. I wrote everyone important to tell them. They seemed happy for me. I know that there were some that thought that I wouldn't do it. I know that I have a slow pace. But all permenant change happens slowly. I have changed. My thoughts have changed. What I want has slightly changed. I am not exactly sure what will happen, but that is how it should be. Not exactly knowing what's around the corner is the spice of life. My life has been filled with one surprise after another. Some good, some bad, but all nesseccary to make me into a better me.

Right Place Wrong Time

I surprise myself sometimes. I was sitting in the karaoke bar the other night and I was thinking about Stone and suddenly I realized that I just didn't care. I mean he wasn't even interesting enough to distract me from the new question. I recently did a search on someone that really meant something to me wen I was a teenager...my first love...my first fiance. I sometimes wonder what happened to him, but never had the gumpsion to go ahead and find him. He wasn't a bad boyfriend, not to say he was a good one either. I mean the up points were that he taught me to love and made me seriously think about the future. The down points was that he had some trouble with me wanting to wait til marriage before sex, and the fact that he fucked my friend because he could not get me. Truely I was not ready for that type of relationship. I mean holy geez I was only 16 years old. Sex was not a priority. I have always been weird, I know. I grew up strict religious, which meant no sex til marriage, and I knew how to deal with my urges. BTW that does not mean masterbation...that is another story. I just always had control over myself in that respect. So as I was saying, I am fickle. I always have been. I get bored easy with common people. I mean Stone had a good run, and I guess I do care. But he is not the one on my mind. I want to find my first love. At one time I heard he married. So the other day on a lark I wondered whatever happened to him... Did some tricks I learned from PI's and found him online...living with another woman...for the last 2 years. So much for marriage. So the next question is what should I do with or even about this information? Truthfully this was the guy I wanted to spend my life with and have children with and the whole nine yards. On the otherhand, he wasn't that great when it came to a serious relationship with me before. On the other hand, I am not asking him for a relationship, just wanna catch up. Decisions decisions decisions...

My good friend from high school, Cyn, said I should just drop it. Leave the past in the past. Sound advice...yet I wonder if the love of her life came walking back in, would he be that easy to turn away? Then again, this isn't walking back in...this is just being available. Part of has been wanting this chance for a long time though. We fucked things up so bad before, and yet loved each other so deeply. I know what you are thinking, if he loved me he wouldn't have fucked around on me. Yet that is slightly flawed thinking...that is the way a woman thinks, not a man. You could see it as him sleeping around was his way of not forcing me. You could look at it as he just wanted a piece and anyone would do. You could look at it from the angle that he just fucked up on a moments weakness. The truth is that I do not know why. I never stopped to ask. I did not see things from the grey...everything then was so black and white. Yet life life is not black & white. Yeah, Cyn, I want to say in advance thanks for the support. I swear if I was born a man that she would be the most awesome woman for me. I am glad we are (still) friends. Cyn, if you are reading, I do not know what I am going to do.

I mean it would not be out of my way to say "Hi" and walk out just as fast. The only way it would be complicated is if he was/is sitting somewhere doing the same thing I am. If he was sitting on the other side of the screen reading this, wondering the same about me. The only tough part would be if he still loved me after all this time. I must quote him, "Love is eternal...if it isn't there in the end then it wasn't there in the beginning." I will always love him. I may not want to be with him, but I will love him. I never wanted to truly believe those words, but he was right. Even through all the bullshit and the lies and the years there is a part of me that never forgot that love. I have been looking for it again in everyone I have ever met. Pain and betrayal taught me never to set my heart on anyone that I had true feelings for because they will always disappoint you. You cannot set you love on a pedistal, for they will fall. I set impossible standards and when he did not measure up we threw it away.

Well I guess that I have made my decision. I will do exactly as I have with all my friends that I looked up. Send a letter, make an offer to try to talk with him...and if he doesn't answer forget about it. The boy I loved is gone. The man may be better, or incredibly worse. Cyn, says "closure" is a psycho-babble word that is nothing but bullshit that we pay someone to tell us. I say since I am walking away from where I come from that the ghost from there I don't want following me. He is a ghost. It's time to put him to rest. I will always remember a boy I loved. A boy that loved doing impressions, that won my heart by making me laugh. He listened to Moody Blues and would sing "Brown-eyed Girl" to me in the car. He loved Star Trek, and playing pool. He loved water skiing, and that skidoo. He had a passion for golf. The years have melted the anger away. I do not hate him. I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for me. Because we did not have it that bad. We made tears out of a relationship that was better than some marriages. I am never sorry I met him or gave my heart. We were in the right place, but it must have been the wrong time. Oh well, Que sera sera...

I Drove All Night

I didn't want to come home tonight. I wanted to stay in the car and come to where you are, knock on the door and say "here I am." If I believed that you would even invite me in, I would have left this minute. I hate you, and I love you...why? I wanna break down and write you, but I know better. If I give in again, you will walk all over me. I just want to cry, and you know how I feel about me crying. I haven't been this sad since I heard you were shipped out to war.

I sang in our new karaoke bar all night. I am friends with the owner and the d.j.'s there. I was talking with the one d.j. that I am closer to and I told her about you. I think she got the message about how I felt about you. I totally melt when I think of you. I just want to forgive everything and ... do you even care what the rest of the sentence states? Do you realize what you are giving up? Do you know what men would give for a woman that is willing to stand by them through everything? Pick them up before they fall... Watch them soar and be willing to let them go, if it made them happy... Do you know what that is worth? You are spending your life searching for nothing and finding just that. When given a pearl you cast it amoug the swine. What are you afraid of? I have been waiting for 3 words...and not "I love you." I know you are more afraid of those words then "Stick'em up."

I just thought we were happy together. You always perked up when I was around. Your eyes smiled and you lit up when I came into the room. You said you felt at home, or did you forget so soon? I wish I could just confront you face to face. So you would say it to my face, that I mean nothing. I need to hear that from you. I need you tell me that everything was a lie. But you won't, because I can rely on the fact you are unreliable.

I give up, I have to write anyway. I give in. I am nothing.

Happy Birthday to me

With my 29th Birthday upon me I decided to make a few changes. I lightened my hair to a respectable colour. I pierced my ears. Got some makeup and look so fab! My mother even approved, and trying to get approval from her is like getting blood from a stone. I look great, feel great, and in general happy. Yet I feel there is someone missing in my happiness. He missed anpther birthday. It's ok. Not like he would come. I am going out with some guys tonight. IT'S KARAOKE TIME!!! I wish.... No if I say what I wish it won't come true. Yet, dear reader, if you you know me you know in my heart what I really wish for. Hope everyone has a bright shiny day.

My Immortal

Why does he press on my mind? Can you tell me God? I am so sick of being there for him. Yet trying to pull away hurts more. I guess I really did fall fo rhim. Really it's a shame. A waste of time playing a greyhound. I will never catch that rabbit. I mean even when he was around I felt bad because I knew he was leaving soon. Yet the peace of having a friend and compaion that I understand and trust has always been worth my time.

Can't Get You Out of My Head

I just woke up. Because he was there. I miss Stone. Why did I ever share a piece of my soul with you? Why did you have to fit so perfectly in my life? Why did you have to go and be perfect for me? The more I try to push your memory away, the more I wish to be with you. My mother says that is what a soulmate is? "Soulmates?" Us? Sure just because we have similar opinions on everything, and we fit each others ideas on what a perfect match would be and want the same goals in life. Respect each other when we we don't respect many people. We trust each other completely. Does that mean that we are soulmates? Does that mean that we could be happy with each other when everyone else completely bores us? Well maybe I could believe it if I knew you were dreaming about me too. I have never been so happy with or scared of one person in my life. I mean when I lived in the middle of a gang war, with bullets flying everyday. People dying in front of me, blood on the tenament walls (that had to be washed everyday). Watching crack addicts smoke up while I walked to my bus, and had to be careful not to get shot by the police... I was never afraid. I wasn't afraid the guns and drugs, and gang bangers, or the cops. But I look into his eyes and become afraid because I see a future with someone that brings my choas a calm, even for a few minutes. The thing that scares me the most is the fact I sense the same. I mean when I see us abandon the tough exteriors, and see us what be described as "at play," I feel scared. I have never just sat in a room alone with anyone, and just roll around and laugh at tv show. Yet with him I have. I am happy. I mean I have seen the pictures, I have never smiles bigger. Plus I have never seen you smile bigger. I make him happy too. I hate it when he is this stubborn. Yet I understand it, because I can be the same way. The difference? I learned to live through the storms you have bend like the reed. I am strong, I can make my own decisions. I can stand by myself, but you make it a little happier place to be. It's that a good thing? Isn't that something you would want to? You told me you did. I could almost understand someone taking drugs about now. Just a few seconds of peace. The same seconds I found with you. That is all I want. Yet I know that that is not the answer. I am willing though to put my pride aside and admit that I need Stone in my life. I need him. Oh my god why do I need him? Why do I need someone to scared to try? Of all his dreams that he had shared I don't see any of them happening, because you have to try. You have to take that step outside of your safty zone and be willing to take a chance. Be willing to fail. Be willing to watch your dreams be torn apart. Be ready to close down shop. Yet also be ready when you exceed beyond your wildest dreams. I have never understood why men were attracted to me. But now I think I understand a little. I see that within me I have a need to help my mate succeed, exceed, and be exactly what they need. I have hope in hopelessness. Some part of them longs to be lifted by a person like me. I don't put them on a pedistal. I will not make a man my god. But I will stand by him and reach for the stars with him. I will promote him, and give him his dreams, wants and desires. Many men find that attractive. To bad nearly all men bore me. What is a greater shame is the the one that doesn't has his head up his ass. I mean I am sorry, but if you find someone that you can be around for years and you have found a way that everytime you are with them that life feels exciting and new, then why wouldn't you be with them. You find someone that quites the storm. You find someone that you can "play" with, and you don't try? You would rather stay with boring whores that mean absolutely nothing, just because you are afraid to fail? I can't do that. I will never marry, unless it is him. I can't do it. I can't give anyone else that love. I can't give my all to someone that cannot capture me completely. I will resent that person for trying to make me. I will resent the obligation to that man. I would walk through the fire with the right person and never think I made a mistake. I have found the "ONE." And he found me. And I have put my fears aside that he won't be like all those other assholes and go breaking my heart. He has hurt me, but my heart has been safe. Maybe it is that I accept that exactly how he is. I see full well his faults and find that is alright. Despite all his fault, they are big, I love him still. I still feel that something beautiful can come of us be together. I have faith in him. If I never am with him, I can still live. I have the peace within me to know I have truely loved. If he never fulfills my dreams, I will live. I can now handle being without him. I just do not want to be with him. I can see be with him. I can see that life would be hard, and it would sometime be unsure and unsettling. Yet I know that because of the peace I found with him that when we are alone that peace will be there. And sure we would fight sometimes, yet I know that we could not go to bed angry. I have thought like that before. I have never thought it was possible to have that. I have never felt it. I was with the guys I was with because they wanted me, and I was bored. Now I have found someone that I am completely compatable with and I am scared too. But I have faith. Faith in God, faith in myself, faith in Stone. Of course I have seen past the stone and found a warm loving heart waiting, scared alone. I have seen the child inside and craddled him. I have held him. I have loved him. I do love him. Oh god I am so scared, and my biggest fear is that he loves me too. I mean where would we go from there? I need to be with him, and he love me, he would need me to. I'll tell you why I won't move to where he is. I am scared to uproot my life for him and it be a waste. Why didn't I leave that one person I was dating for a while, because why would I leave someone that cared for someone that didn't? Why throw my life into upheaval to be cast aside. All I ever wanted was a little assurance, assurance I never had. All I ever needed was these words "I want you to ("fill-in-the-blanks"). Just the words "I want you" and anything else would be done in a second. If it were in my ability to give I would. I am such a fool, but I am happy. Or maybe I am a fool. Yet I would rather be that fool and have my dream then a fool lost in a nightmare. So I can't get you out my head. You know I am going to stop complaining about it, and be happy that you are there. So we are not together. I have the knowledge that for moment in my life, no matter how small it was, I had the "one" that was perfect for me. Many will die without that feeling. Some will never feel that perfect moment of peace being with someone else, but I had it. I had my dream. I will take that with me. Even though I had to you behind. I want to talk to you so bad. I want to write. I want you in my life. But I cannot bend this time. I cannot! I want to, but want your continued respect. Maybe in time you will see what you are missing. Maybe I will receive an empty e-mail. All I would need is the action. The first step. The acknowledgement that I am important to him. Men do not like to do that, but sometimes it is needed. I really should stop writing.