My ex-Brian is not much on wisdom, in my opinion. However he said something that struck me. Something I never even thought of. What if the reason Jake won't talk to me is because he was in an accident? I never would have thought of anything like that. It's easier to blame it on that I pissed him off or something. I could not bare him harmed. Which of course got me crying again. Bad enough I am stilling here blaming my stupid self. Maybe I actually didn't do something. It's had for me to believe that, because of how unwanted I am, but it at least is a little a comforting.
The very idea that he is hurt kills me though. Either way I am feel empty again. I feel like that Evanescence song. I felt like I was sleeping and lost. He woke me up inside and I feel lost without him now. Jake was a breath of fresh air in this tomb I call my life.
I feel numb at this point. I can't cry or sleep or eat. I don't want to scream. I just hate everything around me. I have never been apart of this world and i hope it ends soon. And even if this world fell down around me all I'd want is you. I am a sad excuse for a person. And I hate myself more than I hate anything. At least with you, I wanted to sing. I shared my light with you and with one puff you snuffed it out. I wish I could hate you but this is my fault. I let you in. I should have stayed cold. I should have let you know how you were affecting me. Not that I think it would have stopped you but at least you would have known the damage you could cause.
Maybe I could have scared you off before you......
Friday, August 30, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Cut Off
Where did you go? What did I do? Was I really wrong to want to answer a question? I'm lonely without you sweetie. I can't believe I did it again. I never open up. I never let anyone in, for a reason. a good reason. This one. When someone sees me, they stop wanting to. I hate myself for letting you see me Jake (not his real name). I told you about me, I shared, I trusted you and you rejected me again. So much for not being able to offend. So much for trust. All your words were shite. You just reaffirmed all the things I believed about myself. I'm stupid and ugly. Nobody wants me, they just want to use me. I'm worthless, and old. No one cares and I'm better off dead. I have been told that by my family all my life. And I fought against those words. But I can't anymore, because they are true.
And I miss so you. With you I felt contentment. I was starting to feel good about life. I thought I found an understanding companion that would journey with me. I'm so alone. I thought I found a friend. I thought I found something. Not love, don't get it twisted. I can never love again. I lost that ability years ago. But thanks to you I found out that I can still cry. Enjoy your laugh. You just crushed a rose in your hand.
FUCK LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!
And I miss so you. With you I felt contentment. I was starting to feel good about life. I thought I found an understanding companion that would journey with me. I'm so alone. I thought I found a friend. I thought I found something. Not love, don't get it twisted. I can never love again. I lost that ability years ago. But thanks to you I found out that I can still cry. Enjoy your laugh. You just crushed a rose in your hand.
FUCK LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
A New Day
I stopped writing on here because of a prick. He pissed me off and I gave up on opening up to people.
However if a certain somebody is reading this then know I am willing to open up to you.
I was reading the old post here and made me realize some things. First that I gave my heart to unworthy people and second that I am glad that they are unworthy. That might sound strange but let me explain myself. If I hadn't met the wrong people I'd never see the right one in front of me.
I am a very sexual person. My sexuality ranges from sensual to "give it to me harder daddy." Some days I need something sweet and gentle. Other days I need to be spanked, punished, tied up, teased, do I need to go on? The problem with having such a wide range is that there aren't every many that are at that same point. I have met someone that is.
I fantasize about him daily. Anything from showing up at work and giving him oral to sneaking off while he is out and have wild very limber sex. I want him. His name turns me on. The thought of him turns me on. When he talks to me I only get worse. I want him in the worst way. So what"s the problem?
Besides the fact we don't even live in the same county? I am unsure of how much he trust me.
Trust is a huge thing for me. I mean if we do some of the things we have talked about about there needs to be trust. I mean I want him to tie me up and have his way with me. And because I was brutally raped I get scared of being out of control. I don't feel like I can't trust him, but I fear myself. And unless he is reading this, he doesn't know what happened to me. It's been many years since my "friend" to a knife to my throat and forced me to do things I can't even talk about. I hate looking at myself because I can still see the scars from the knife where he cut me. I can still remember they way I cringed while he said "I love you" the whole time. It sickened me worse that part of me enjoyed it. I found out then I liked pain. I still did not want what he did but the pain was delicious.
I like pain with sex. It's a thrill. I like to be bitten. I like my hair pulled. I like the feel of leather across me. The snap of a whip or leather belt. Those little things light a spark. It's the same thrill when he calls me darlin or sweetheart.
Ohhhhh I want show him wonders. I want to experience it all, and just with him. My god, I want him in my world. I want him in my body. And he knows it.
I want to show him what soft is. What a high just being gentle can give. In turn I want him to also feel the electric jolt of pain. I want to go to every corner and show him every fantasy, both normally accepted and unaccepted. And I want him to want me too.
I want him to show me his fantasies. I want his dark secrets. I want him to have a piece of me.
But I also think I want too much. If rushed we can explore everything in a few months but to truly explore it will take years. I don't know if he is up to that. My plans say start with each other, then for some spice bring others in. Then anything we wouldn't do out of respect for the other we do with someone else. Once again, that will take years. That's kind of a commitment. That's partially why I never bothered with anyone else. Too much intimacy involved, not enough interest by both parties.
But this one is different. Plus it doesn't hurt that I really like him. Likes he doesn't know it. I talk with him everyday now. I feel like a ninny. I really like him. I see so much many positive things in him. He's almost unreal. How often can you say you meet an honestly nice guy? Then again I saw this person in him years ago.
Then again, playing devil's advocate, the last time we really saw each other we had sex and he really didn't speak to me again. Kinda hurtful but at that time in my life I was going through some crazy shite. I was dating two different guys, neither that I really liked. Kinda was sick of the relationship bull that I was getting. The "I wanna see other people but you can't" crap that I was not digging. So at the time it wasn't a good time for us to meet. But the wild sex, wasn't that bad. It wasn't the sex that was completely wild, but like they say LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION.... which I will carry to my grave, was awesome. We didn't have time to enjoy it. More of a quickie. Too bad.
Honestly I don't want to invest my time into someone not willing to see it through. I believe he is serious about exploring. I think we could have all kinds of fun together. But like I have said here before I am good enough to be called girlfriend. I mean how many guys can say "my girlfriend likes me going to strip clubs and will pay for my lap dance"? How many guys can say "my girlfriend WANTS to video sex with another woman"? I don't care if he sees other women. Because it is not about possessing him. It's about finally having someone that accepts my sexual nature, loves that about me, and has it too. Why can"t being with someone that shares your desires be a good thing? Why can't we be together and explore?
I think part of it is I just want him so bad and he keeps teasing me. I have gotten burned so many times before. I truly believe that I am "The Ring" (or Ringu for all the Asian film fans out there) of relationships. Seven days after an interest is professed, usually it dies off.
I am too sexually demanding. I want to go places too dark. I want a relationship to explore the deeper parts, or I don't want a relationship so we can explore other things. Basically after it gets past the initial everyday sex (if it gets that far) that's as far as the guy/girl wants to take it. I happen to like a variety. And it's not like I am asking for love or marriage. I want some really good, heart pounding sex. And I think with this man I could have that.
The rub is now I have told him what I want. I don't want to be a one night stand again. I want to be in his life. I'm not saying wrap your life around me. I not saying I want to be your one and only. I'm not saying introduce me to your friends/family. I not saying change your life for me. No one has ever loved me enough for that. I am saying that I seriously want to explore with you, I want to explore you, I want you to explore me. I want to take away these boundaries and make something exciting and wonderful and mutually gratifying for both of us, together. I want to build a life long trust. I want a true friendship with you that happens to also have great sex involved. I want to be your companion. We are both adults here, and know the consequences. I am saying it's worth it. You are worth it. Did I ask for something wrong?
However if a certain somebody is reading this then know I am willing to open up to you.
I was reading the old post here and made me realize some things. First that I gave my heart to unworthy people and second that I am glad that they are unworthy. That might sound strange but let me explain myself. If I hadn't met the wrong people I'd never see the right one in front of me.
I am a very sexual person. My sexuality ranges from sensual to "give it to me harder daddy." Some days I need something sweet and gentle. Other days I need to be spanked, punished, tied up, teased, do I need to go on? The problem with having such a wide range is that there aren't every many that are at that same point. I have met someone that is.
I fantasize about him daily. Anything from showing up at work and giving him oral to sneaking off while he is out and have wild very limber sex. I want him. His name turns me on. The thought of him turns me on. When he talks to me I only get worse. I want him in the worst way. So what"s the problem?
Besides the fact we don't even live in the same county? I am unsure of how much he trust me.
Trust is a huge thing for me. I mean if we do some of the things we have talked about about there needs to be trust. I mean I want him to tie me up and have his way with me. And because I was brutally raped I get scared of being out of control. I don't feel like I can't trust him, but I fear myself. And unless he is reading this, he doesn't know what happened to me. It's been many years since my "friend" to a knife to my throat and forced me to do things I can't even talk about. I hate looking at myself because I can still see the scars from the knife where he cut me. I can still remember they way I cringed while he said "I love you" the whole time. It sickened me worse that part of me enjoyed it. I found out then I liked pain. I still did not want what he did but the pain was delicious.
I like pain with sex. It's a thrill. I like to be bitten. I like my hair pulled. I like the feel of leather across me. The snap of a whip or leather belt. Those little things light a spark. It's the same thrill when he calls me darlin or sweetheart.
Ohhhhh I want show him wonders. I want to experience it all, and just with him. My god, I want him in my world. I want him in my body. And he knows it.
I want to show him what soft is. What a high just being gentle can give. In turn I want him to also feel the electric jolt of pain. I want to go to every corner and show him every fantasy, both normally accepted and unaccepted. And I want him to want me too.
I want him to show me his fantasies. I want his dark secrets. I want him to have a piece of me.
But I also think I want too much. If rushed we can explore everything in a few months but to truly explore it will take years. I don't know if he is up to that. My plans say start with each other, then for some spice bring others in. Then anything we wouldn't do out of respect for the other we do with someone else. Once again, that will take years. That's kind of a commitment. That's partially why I never bothered with anyone else. Too much intimacy involved, not enough interest by both parties.
But this one is different. Plus it doesn't hurt that I really like him. Likes he doesn't know it. I talk with him everyday now. I feel like a ninny. I really like him. I see so much many positive things in him. He's almost unreal. How often can you say you meet an honestly nice guy? Then again I saw this person in him years ago.
Then again, playing devil's advocate, the last time we really saw each other we had sex and he really didn't speak to me again. Kinda hurtful but at that time in my life I was going through some crazy shite. I was dating two different guys, neither that I really liked. Kinda was sick of the relationship bull that I was getting. The "I wanna see other people but you can't" crap that I was not digging. So at the time it wasn't a good time for us to meet. But the wild sex, wasn't that bad. It wasn't the sex that was completely wild, but like they say LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION.... which I will carry to my grave, was awesome. We didn't have time to enjoy it. More of a quickie. Too bad.
Honestly I don't want to invest my time into someone not willing to see it through. I believe he is serious about exploring. I think we could have all kinds of fun together. But like I have said here before I am good enough to be called girlfriend. I mean how many guys can say "my girlfriend likes me going to strip clubs and will pay for my lap dance"? How many guys can say "my girlfriend WANTS to video sex with another woman"? I don't care if he sees other women. Because it is not about possessing him. It's about finally having someone that accepts my sexual nature, loves that about me, and has it too. Why can"t being with someone that shares your desires be a good thing? Why can't we be together and explore?
I think part of it is I just want him so bad and he keeps teasing me. I have gotten burned so many times before. I truly believe that I am "The Ring" (or Ringu for all the Asian film fans out there) of relationships. Seven days after an interest is professed, usually it dies off.
I am too sexually demanding. I want to go places too dark. I want a relationship to explore the deeper parts, or I don't want a relationship so we can explore other things. Basically after it gets past the initial everyday sex (if it gets that far) that's as far as the guy/girl wants to take it. I happen to like a variety. And it's not like I am asking for love or marriage. I want some really good, heart pounding sex. And I think with this man I could have that.
The rub is now I have told him what I want. I don't want to be a one night stand again. I want to be in his life. I'm not saying wrap your life around me. I not saying I want to be your one and only. I'm not saying introduce me to your friends/family. I not saying change your life for me. No one has ever loved me enough for that. I am saying that I seriously want to explore with you, I want to explore you, I want you to explore me. I want to take away these boundaries and make something exciting and wonderful and mutually gratifying for both of us, together. I want to build a life long trust. I want a true friendship with you that happens to also have great sex involved. I want to be your companion. We are both adults here, and know the consequences. I am saying it's worth it. You are worth it. Did I ask for something wrong?
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