Without Love (where would you be?)

I have been sitting here thinking... one of the perfect song the sums up my feelings, I guess that would be it. I have been struggling with a decision of how to tell Stone that I want to be released for our promises without hurting his feelings. Half of my says fuck his feels he has cared about yours. On the otherhand he has been a trusted friend whom I loved dearly. The problem really lies in the fact that I really want a future with him, but he isn't there yet. So once I again do I stand back and hope? or say screw it, because any guy that doesn't just jump for me isn't worthy of me. I mean (***ego speaking***) I have had guys say that they should have gotten with me and watch them verbally kick themself when they realized it. That always feels good to remember. Always the romantic I see beauty in this tragety. I hold to specific moments that define my worth. Like the time when my friend Erik, whom I had a thing for for the longest time, had just found out that his 18 year old ex-girlfriend was pregnant (btw he was like 32). And it looked like the cancer had came back. I would sit and talk with him for hours. One day he turned to me and said, "Val I should be having this baby with you." "I should have gotten you pregnant." That will fuck your head for a moment, then I saw the beauty in the thought. He thought so much of me, that to share what was a precious idea (in his mind) with me really meant so very much. I define myself by the tears in men's eyes when they realize that they want to stay with me, then run off. I can't get used to that. See a man cry because they realize that I was such a good choice and right in front of them. And yet when they realize it it is to too late.

My heart grows ever colder toward Stone everyday. It is sad when you know in your heart that you have finally found your perfect match. Someone that is passionate, yet so cold. Someone that is outgoing, yet wants to be alone. Someone that just fits your wants and desires and goals and everything that you are ans want to share, rolled up into one person that is a complete compliment...and then watch them be about 5 years in growth behind you. In the same state of heart that you were and still too scared to believe that someone could be their match and and never leave them or hurt them. He is the only person I never tired of. Then if was truly true then why am I tired of him now? The answer? Because I can no longer take the sadness that loving him means. I cannot take the waiting, for him to realize. I mean it is only thing when a guy that I liked finally breaks down (even after a year) and says that he should have been with me. But I have waited 3 years for that realization. Some part o me would wait 300 years to look into his eyes and see that realization. I love that look becauses it at that moment when when it dawn on a man, that all that searching and disappointment could have been spared if they just saw what was in front of them all along. The trick for that is for the guy to hit the wall. Stone may not have hit that wall yet. The question is can I wait for that moment and be ready to hold him up when he lie bleeding. Before I would have jumped and said yes, but now I don't know.

I have been holding a secret. I am ready to have a child. Or at least I thought I was. I was going to ask Stone to be the father. I know crazy chick that thing happening. I just want to be able to have a child and not be in my 50's (or older) watching him graduate high school. My biological clock was switch on alarm and it has been going off for the last 3 months now (about to look for a hammer to shut it off). Yet I have been thinking the last few days. What will I say when the child turns to me and asks "Mommy why aren't you and daddy together?" "Mommy where is my daddy?" "Mommy why didn't he love us to stay?" I cannot bare the thought of that childs eyes just because I want to have a baby, and know that his father would never be there. I harbor no illusion about the fact that he would want nothing to do with me or our child. I now realize that as much as I want my baby, that I would be doing that child such a great disservice to have him without a loving father in his life. BTW I always wanted little boys, I love little boys...little girls are to prissy. LOL. I do not want to see my little man grow up with a good father/husband role model. So squash the idea of having a baby, and time to face reality.

I am woman running close to 30, with no hope of finding what I want. All I have ever wanted was a family. Call me old-fashion, but I wanted a husband and 4 sons (maybe give in and have a daughter), the house, the cars, the playset in the backyard, the cat, the dog, the fish, the work from home job so I can be mom, the husband that works hard for his family; and even if we didn't have much still give our children all the love and happiness that money can't buy. Yet this is not my life. I have lost all hope in having it. Now the best I can hope for is to get my degree and find a small nitch in life. Buy my own little house...have my own little car...have my cat. Make life good for me & the people in it, and be alone.

I think I just need to give up. My mother should have named me Jude. Because I was never one to give up, even on lost causes. Now I think I just need to give up. Give up hope on love. Give up hope that anyone but me will ever truly care for me. Give up that anything I want will happen. And realize that this what I have and may never be more than that. Realize that I had my glimpse of happiness with someone that truly was my match will never be more than that... a small wink in my life. Realize that noone will ever give me the life I wanted. That you can be considered (and I was a long time ago) the most beautiful person and no one will love you. That if you are beautiful that you will be left broken and alone. I think I just don't want to be a wonderful person and be alone. Wonderful, beautiful people are lonely. They are used and cast aside. But I cannot be what I am not. I cannot be someone that is uncaring, uncompassionate, undevoted, unloving, icy stone-hearted bitch. I can't do it. I am reminded of what a great writer wrote, "To thine own self be true." So now it is time to be true to myself with these words to help me along the way...

God grant me
the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference;

Living one day at a time;
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it:

Trusting that you will make all things right
if I surrender to your will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with you forever in the next.

Dr. Reinhold Neibuhr - 1926