No Sleep

My ex-Brian is not much on wisdom, in my opinion.   However he said something that struck me.  Something I never even thought of.  What if the reason Jake won't talk to me is because he was in an accident?  I never would have thought of anything like that.  It's easier to blame it on that I pissed him off or something.  I could not bare him harmed.  Which of course got me crying again.  Bad enough I am stilling here blaming my stupid self.  Maybe I actually didn't do something.  It's had for me to believe that, because of how unwanted I am, but it at least is a little a comforting. 

The very idea that he is hurt kills me though. Either way I am feel empty again.  I feel like that Evanescence song.  I felt like I was sleeping and lost. He woke me up inside and I feel lost without him now.  Jake was a breath of fresh air in this tomb I call my life. 

I feel numb at this point.  I can't cry or sleep or eat.  I don't want to scream. I just hate everything around me.  I have never been apart of this world and i hope it ends soon.  And even if this world fell down around me all I'd want is you.  I am a sad excuse for a person. And I hate myself more than I hate anything.  At least with you, I wanted to sing.  I shared my light with you and with one puff you snuffed it out.  I wish I could hate you but this is my fault.  I let you in. I should have stayed cold.  I should have let you know how you were affecting me.  Not that I think it would have stopped you but at least you would have known the damage you could cause.

Maybe I could have scared you off before you......