The hardest part of getting out is having the money to do so. If you do not have friends or family because of your controlling significant other (S/O) has driven them away, getting enough can be a long hard process. Although technology can offer some relief. Every situation is different and anyone who says it is easy has never had to experience what you are going through. Just remember if you are reading this then there is a way, and you ARE strong enough to do this. Also remember when you are done with reading this to delete this from your history browser.
Getting money
1. Start stashing away money. If you can't get it from friends or family, start with change from purchases here and there. You would be surprised how fast it adds up. If your s/o has you give them all the change and the to prove the change, start picking up change from the street.
2. If you can call without a trace (meaning not on a cell phone or anywhere it would show up on a bill your s/o can see) call around to find a credit union or bank that will open up a savings account that can be opened with a small amount. Many credit unions can do it for as little as $5. On your shopping trips (if you can get out alone) deposit your change or cash. DO NOT FORGET TO SET UP YOUR ACCOUNT TO ONLY ELECTRONIC STATEMENTS! When you do this do not forget to open an unknown email that has no connection to you whatsoever. Do not use your name, or anything that is your favorite that your s/o could pick up on.
3. When you have saved enough (which is the amount that you feel you can move away far enough to feel safe) don't hesitate. Next here's how you start to spend it. In my experience it takes a couple thousand, but it does add up very quickly especially when you get enough to start getting interest. Just try not to get your s/o angry. I will not say that you will be able to get out with out a few beatings but it is far better than staying and it getting worse.
The Slow Move
The biggest part of a smooth leaving is to keep the status quo. You will need learn how to keep up appearances or it can get real dangerous really quick. If you also have been in an abusive relationship then you already know how to keep up the appearance. Very few abusers are open about what is going on.
1. Chances are if you are in a relationship where you are being controlled you are cut off from your family and friends and you aren't getting mail, or not enough for your s/o to notice if normally thrown away. So get a post office box. You're gonna need it. Give all the places you are going to the P.O. box. This keeps the regular mail you get coming to the house while all other mail you want to hide goes to the box.
2. Get a storage shed. I know these can be expensive but many of the places will give you a discount if you pay for 6 months to a year in advance. DO IT! I mean if you want out paying a little less than $1000 for a year to get out is cheaper than the doctor bills you are getting while staying.
3. Once you are into a storage unit, the real fun begins. You should note that if you truly want to get away then you are going to have to leave a lot things behind. Don't be afraid to do this. Possessions can be replaced, you can't be. Take the things you can't replace or may be hard for you to get with you. Remember if you have access to your birth certificate, social security card, passport or other important documents like such that they can be easily mailed to you PO box then placed in storage. You can do this when you are getting the mail, or if your s/o checks it when they get home or leave, then send it out when you are out. Remember they cannot watch you every second of the day (unless you got one of those crazy home security types). If you insist on taking things like furniture or things like movies or pictures then this can be tricky. Maybe start mentioning that you would like room for (something they want). Or you just don't feel like you need them any more (fluffing your s/o's ego often smooths and goes a long way). Say you are giving clothes to charity, so he can get you what he would like you to wear, and you'll drop them at the bin... Be creative but remember that your s/o isn't stupid and slow down your activities if they start asking questions. Getting out safe is the idea.
OK so you've moved all the things you need out and have money to go. What's next? You go but safely. Go while your s/o is at work... this is the fastest way especially if you cannot get all your stuff out. Don't pre-pack. If you have been together long enough sooner or later if you don't arouse their suspicions they will let you go on shopping runs or to church or other activities by yourself and that's the key. If you take the cell phone they gave you or any credit cards, ditch them. They are the fastest way to track you down. You wanna leave your old live behind. Hopefully when you leave your ex will get the hint and find someone new. Pray for this. You don't want anyone else to go through what you did but you need their attention somewhere else.
After You Are Out
Starting over is hard, scary, even unnerving at times. It can be lonely. There will be times that you will want to go back. Not because you liked it, but it is what you know. Getting rid of the mind set that you are unwanted by anyone else, or unworthy of love; being unlovable to anyone else will stay with you for a long time. Remember these simple things that can be so hard to grasp
- You are not stupid.
- You are not ugly.
- You are not unworthy.
- You are not weak.
- Smart
- Strong
- Beautiful in every way
- Wonder
- Special
- You can do it by yourself
- Loved
Of course these are just basic steps, and don't include any kids. If you have kids with your (or from another) partner these steps are are only part of it all. But that is another blog. Look for it coming soon.
I hope that this helps someone out there.
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