It Must Have Been Love

Over the last few days I have been thinking about heart-matters. I wonder sometimes if I will ever find someone to love that loves me also. It seems that I find either one or the other, never both. Life has lost it's thrill. Maybe it is just my society's programming that says I need to love and be loved, maybe it is a deep longing for someone that completes the missing pieces of the puzzle. Maybe it is the fact I know that there is someone out there that is a perfect fit for me. Now I don't buy into the programming that states there is only one person out there for everyone, but I do think that there is one person that fits best. Then again sometimes I think the "one" for me is trapped on a desserted island or dying from AIDS or dead or married to someone else or I met him when I was married and now he has moved on without me. Or maybe he just has a taste for young women that he can't break away from long enough to see what is right in from of his eyes. We say all these thing to make ourselves feel better about why we are not with the one that makes our hearts flutter, but it doesn't fill the void that is in our souls. We say it was their loss, but it is our loss too. It's my loss. I have loved deeply and whether it was a right or wrong desicion I loved. Whether I wanted to love him or not. Whether I saw it was a bad idea or not. Whether he will ever feel guilty for breaking my heart or not.

Dear Diary,
I am scared. I can feel something happening inside my heart. I feel myself getting warm and fuzzy OMG make it stop! It hurts. I just want to cry. I don't want to love or feel love because I can't handle the heartbreak anymore. I just want to be comfortably numb for the rest of my life. I don't want to know someone that when I see him makes the corners of my mouth lift slightly, OK maby it is more of a broad goofy grin. I don't want to open my email and see a letter from someone and that be the highlight of my day to the point I hope for another one. Checking my email 10 or more times a day is not healthy. When will this torture end? More to the point, when will my heart stop stumbling into love? If it won't then why can't I find a guy that I like that is ready for a committment with me? So I am not a perfect 10, but I know I am beautiful in my way. I know I have talents. I know that if they look inside they will see something wonderful and worth having...I mean all my stalkers can't be wrong...LOL I joke but in a way not. Even if I am not interested in the person that is interested in me, there is someting that they find so irresistable that they must possess me. BTW why are guys so possessive of me? Why are they so scared of losing me? I mean if I am with them, that means I AM WITH THEM! I am not interested in anyone else. But in that way I am like sand...if you hold on to tightly I will slip through your fingers. Sometimes I think that God is playing a joke on me. Sometimes I think that he wants to torture me. Sometimes I think that maybe I should give up, then again everytime I give up I meet someone that is really great...then he meets someone new and I am just a friend. I HATE THE FRIEND ZONE! I hear that from guys all the time with the chicks they like, but I get tired of it too. Yeah I prefer the company of guys, less cattiness, but my goodness. I am a female too. When will it be my turn for real love?