Right Place Wrong Time

I surprise myself sometimes. I was sitting in the karaoke bar the other night and I was thinking about Stone and suddenly I realized that I just didn't care. I mean he wasn't even interesting enough to distract me from the new question. I recently did a search on someone that really meant something to me wen I was a teenager...my first love...my first fiance. I sometimes wonder what happened to him, but never had the gumpsion to go ahead and find him. He wasn't a bad boyfriend, not to say he was a good one either. I mean the up points were that he taught me to love and made me seriously think about the future. The down points was that he had some trouble with me wanting to wait til marriage before sex, and the fact that he fucked my friend because he could not get me. Truely I was not ready for that type of relationship. I mean holy geez I was only 16 years old. Sex was not a priority. I have always been weird, I know. I grew up strict religious, which meant no sex til marriage, and I knew how to deal with my urges. BTW that does not mean masterbation...that is another story. I just always had control over myself in that respect. So as I was saying, I am fickle. I always have been. I get bored easy with common people. I mean Stone had a good run, and I guess I do care. But he is not the one on my mind. I want to find my first love. At one time I heard he married. So the other day on a lark I wondered whatever happened to him... Did some tricks I learned from PI's and found him online...living with another woman...for the last 2 years. So much for marriage. So the next question is what should I do with or even about this information? Truthfully this was the guy I wanted to spend my life with and have children with and the whole nine yards. On the otherhand, he wasn't that great when it came to a serious relationship with me before. On the other hand, I am not asking him for a relationship, just wanna catch up. Decisions decisions decisions...

My good friend from high school, Cyn, said I should just drop it. Leave the past in the past. Sound advice...yet I wonder if the love of her life came walking back in, would he be that easy to turn away? Then again, this isn't walking back in...this is just being available. Part of has been wanting this chance for a long time though. We fucked things up so bad before, and yet loved each other so deeply. I know what you are thinking, if he loved me he wouldn't have fucked around on me. Yet that is slightly flawed thinking...that is the way a woman thinks, not a man. You could see it as him sleeping around was his way of not forcing me. You could look at it as he just wanted a piece and anyone would do. You could look at it from the angle that he just fucked up on a moments weakness. The truth is that I do not know why. I never stopped to ask. I did not see things from the grey...everything then was so black and white. Yet life life is not black & white. Yeah, Cyn, I want to say in advance thanks for the support. I swear if I was born a man that she would be the most awesome woman for me. I am glad we are (still) friends. Cyn, if you are reading, I do not know what I am going to do.

I mean it would not be out of my way to say "Hi" and walk out just as fast. The only way it would be complicated is if he was/is sitting somewhere doing the same thing I am. If he was sitting on the other side of the screen reading this, wondering the same about me. The only tough part would be if he still loved me after all this time. I must quote him, "Love is eternal...if it isn't there in the end then it wasn't there in the beginning." I will always love him. I may not want to be with him, but I will love him. I never wanted to truly believe those words, but he was right. Even through all the bullshit and the lies and the years there is a part of me that never forgot that love. I have been looking for it again in everyone I have ever met. Pain and betrayal taught me never to set my heart on anyone that I had true feelings for because they will always disappoint you. You cannot set you love on a pedistal, for they will fall. I set impossible standards and when he did not measure up we threw it away.

Well I guess that I have made my decision. I will do exactly as I have with all my friends that I looked up. Send a letter, make an offer to try to talk with him...and if he doesn't answer forget about it. The boy I loved is gone. The man may be better, or incredibly worse. Cyn, says "closure" is a psycho-babble word that is nothing but bullshit that we pay someone to tell us. I say since I am walking away from where I come from that the ghost from there I don't want following me. He is a ghost. It's time to put him to rest. I will always remember a boy I loved. A boy that loved doing impressions, that won my heart by making me laugh. He listened to Moody Blues and would sing "Brown-eyed Girl" to me in the car. He loved Star Trek, and playing pool. He loved water skiing, and that skidoo. He had a passion for golf. The years have melted the anger away. I do not hate him. I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for me. Because we did not have it that bad. We made tears out of a relationship that was better than some marriages. I am never sorry I met him or gave my heart. We were in the right place, but it must have been the wrong time. Oh well, Que sera sera...