Can't Get You Out of My Head

I just woke up. Because he was there. I miss Stone. Why did I ever share a piece of my soul with you? Why did you have to fit so perfectly in my life? Why did you have to go and be perfect for me? The more I try to push your memory away, the more I wish to be with you. My mother says that is what a soulmate is? "Soulmates?" Us? Sure just because we have similar opinions on everything, and we fit each others ideas on what a perfect match would be and want the same goals in life. Respect each other when we we don't respect many people. We trust each other completely. Does that mean that we are soulmates? Does that mean that we could be happy with each other when everyone else completely bores us? Well maybe I could believe it if I knew you were dreaming about me too. I have never been so happy with or scared of one person in my life. I mean when I lived in the middle of a gang war, with bullets flying everyday. People dying in front of me, blood on the tenament walls (that had to be washed everyday). Watching crack addicts smoke up while I walked to my bus, and had to be careful not to get shot by the police... I was never afraid. I wasn't afraid the guns and drugs, and gang bangers, or the cops. But I look into his eyes and become afraid because I see a future with someone that brings my choas a calm, even for a few minutes. The thing that scares me the most is the fact I sense the same. I mean when I see us abandon the tough exteriors, and see us what be described as "at play," I feel scared. I have never just sat in a room alone with anyone, and just roll around and laugh at tv show. Yet with him I have. I am happy. I mean I have seen the pictures, I have never smiles bigger. Plus I have never seen you smile bigger. I make him happy too. I hate it when he is this stubborn. Yet I understand it, because I can be the same way. The difference? I learned to live through the storms you have bend like the reed. I am strong, I can make my own decisions. I can stand by myself, but you make it a little happier place to be. It's that a good thing? Isn't that something you would want to? You told me you did. I could almost understand someone taking drugs about now. Just a few seconds of peace. The same seconds I found with you. That is all I want. Yet I know that that is not the answer. I am willing though to put my pride aside and admit that I need Stone in my life. I need him. Oh my god why do I need him? Why do I need someone to scared to try? Of all his dreams that he had shared I don't see any of them happening, because you have to try. You have to take that step outside of your safty zone and be willing to take a chance. Be willing to fail. Be willing to watch your dreams be torn apart. Be ready to close down shop. Yet also be ready when you exceed beyond your wildest dreams. I have never understood why men were attracted to me. But now I think I understand a little. I see that within me I have a need to help my mate succeed, exceed, and be exactly what they need. I have hope in hopelessness. Some part of them longs to be lifted by a person like me. I don't put them on a pedistal. I will not make a man my god. But I will stand by him and reach for the stars with him. I will promote him, and give him his dreams, wants and desires. Many men find that attractive. To bad nearly all men bore me. What is a greater shame is the the one that doesn't has his head up his ass. I mean I am sorry, but if you find someone that you can be around for years and you have found a way that everytime you are with them that life feels exciting and new, then why wouldn't you be with them. You find someone that quites the storm. You find someone that you can "play" with, and you don't try? You would rather stay with boring whores that mean absolutely nothing, just because you are afraid to fail? I can't do that. I will never marry, unless it is him. I can't do it. I can't give anyone else that love. I can't give my all to someone that cannot capture me completely. I will resent that person for trying to make me. I will resent the obligation to that man. I would walk through the fire with the right person and never think I made a mistake. I have found the "ONE." And he found me. And I have put my fears aside that he won't be like all those other assholes and go breaking my heart. He has hurt me, but my heart has been safe. Maybe it is that I accept that exactly how he is. I see full well his faults and find that is alright. Despite all his fault, they are big, I love him still. I still feel that something beautiful can come of us be together. I have faith in him. If I never am with him, I can still live. I have the peace within me to know I have truely loved. If he never fulfills my dreams, I will live. I can now handle being without him. I just do not want to be with him. I can see be with him. I can see that life would be hard, and it would sometime be unsure and unsettling. Yet I know that because of the peace I found with him that when we are alone that peace will be there. And sure we would fight sometimes, yet I know that we could not go to bed angry. I have thought like that before. I have never thought it was possible to have that. I have never felt it. I was with the guys I was with because they wanted me, and I was bored. Now I have found someone that I am completely compatable with and I am scared too. But I have faith. Faith in God, faith in myself, faith in Stone. Of course I have seen past the stone and found a warm loving heart waiting, scared alone. I have seen the child inside and craddled him. I have held him. I have loved him. I do love him. Oh god I am so scared, and my biggest fear is that he loves me too. I mean where would we go from there? I need to be with him, and he love me, he would need me to. I'll tell you why I won't move to where he is. I am scared to uproot my life for him and it be a waste. Why didn't I leave that one person I was dating for a while, because why would I leave someone that cared for someone that didn't? Why throw my life into upheaval to be cast aside. All I ever wanted was a little assurance, assurance I never had. All I ever needed was these words "I want you to ("fill-in-the-blanks"). Just the words "I want you" and anything else would be done in a second. If it were in my ability to give I would. I am such a fool, but I am happy. Or maybe I am a fool. Yet I would rather be that fool and have my dream then a fool lost in a nightmare. So I can't get you out my head. You know I am going to stop complaining about it, and be happy that you are there. So we are not together. I have the knowledge that for moment in my life, no matter how small it was, I had the "one" that was perfect for me. Many will die without that feeling. Some will never feel that perfect moment of peace being with someone else, but I had it. I had my dream. I will take that with me. Even though I had to you behind. I want to talk to you so bad. I want to write. I want you in my life. But I cannot bend this time. I cannot! I want to, but want your continued respect. Maybe in time you will see what you are missing. Maybe I will receive an empty e-mail. All I would need is the action. The first step. The acknowledgement that I am important to him. Men do not like to do that, but sometimes it is needed. I really should stop writing.